


For the First Time

by justletmegohome (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Smut, Tension, but the kind of smut that makes you cry, it's going to be really angsty bc that's all i can write, there will definitely be smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-06 21:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/justletmegohome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a time when all Louis needed was Harry and there was a time when all Harry needed was Louis. Until they grew up and walked away from each other. But the Universe had a different plan for them and decided to throw them together for one last time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> just get this away from me please omg. tbh i have no fucking idea what is this, it's shit, i'm sure of that and i hate it because it's taking over my life and it's going to be awful because I cried while writing it and i'm under the influence of the script so if you wanna have an idea of what's this about listen to 'For The First Time' by The Script.  
> So, you've been warned and i have commitment issues with chaptered fics so there's that. ok bye  
> Also I know or own nothing about One Direction in real life.

_**Prologue** _

* * *

 

“Maybe is time for you to come home, Harry.” His mum said softly over the phone.

Harry sighed. No, it wasn’t time to go home. He didn’t want to go home. “I- I’m busy, mum I just can't drop off everything and take a train.”

“We need you Harry.” She pleaded with a tearful voice.

Fuck.

Shit, fuck, shit.

No, they didn’t need him. They were fine without him. He was fine here, he didn’t need to come home he was just fine here in London.

“He needs you.” Her whisper was almost there but he still heard it. And that didn’t make it easy. It made it worse.

His mom didn’t need to say a name to know who she was talking about. Just her fucking tone was enough and she knew it was a low blow and this wasn’t fucking fair. It wasn’t.

“You can’t use him to make me change my mind mum, in fact, that only makes me want to stay here more.”

She sighed. “ _Harry,_ this isn’t about you okay?” She said with a harsh voice, the tears still there but she was talking to him like when he was little and hid Gemma’s dolls. She was done being nice. “This is about your family and we need you. I’m not _asking_ you to come home, I’m _telling_ you to come home. You can’t keep avoiding this, not anymore, it’s been 5 years Harry and we need you.”

This wasn’t the plan. He wasn’t going back to Doncaster.

He wasn’t going back to him.

“If you’re not doing it for him at least do it for Jay. She’s like your second mum, Harry and you’re like a son to her, please Harry, do it for her.”

He closed his eyes and felt his lungs constrict and his heart squeezing between his ribcage. This wasn’t fair. His eyes started to well up and his throat was closing in and the memories that were supposed to stay in the back of his mind to never be seen again started playing in front of his closed eyelids.

_“I don’t want you here Harry! That’s the whole point! Why can’t you fucking understand that?”_

His voice began to fill every corner of him and he couldn’t do it. Not anymore.

“He doesn’t want me there, mum. He doesn’t want me there.” Harry whimpered and let out a sob that rippled across his chest and every nerve of his body was shaking.

“Oh baby.” His mum cooed, but he didn’t need that, he need to get off the phone and left the conversation behind and pretend it never happened. Like he did with everything else in his life.

He needed to stop crying and move the fuck on.

“He may say that but you know that was never the truth darling, he needs you as much as he needs Liam and Zayn and Niall and you have to do this Harry. Just come home for a week, see Jay, talk to her and say goodbye to her. Just a week Harry, you don’t even have to see him.”

Harry shook his head. This was shit, complete and utter shit and not fair at all. He was fucked.

“Fine, just, don’t tell him, please. I- It’ll be better if he doesn’t know I’m there.”

His mum breathed a sigh of relief and Harry should be comforted by it, but it only made his skin prickle. “Of course baby, your sister is coming over too and I’ll let the boys know, okay? Jay’s going to be so happy darling.”

“Yeah, okay.”

This was it.

Harry Styles was going back to Doncaster.


	2. We lost faith in the arms of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. thank you for reading the shitty prologue and i don't hate this as much as i thought i would. so that's good. i'd like to thank ben howard for inspiring me and i know i wouldn't have finish this if it wasn't for his music. if you want to, listen to the wolves by ben howard.

He didn’t miss him. He really didn’t miss him. One cannot miss a stranger. Harry really, _really_ didn’t miss Louis William Tomlinson right now as he walked out of the train station an into what was going to be to be the worst nightmare he’d ever have in his 23 years of life. He didn’t miss his soft laughter, or his warm hand holding his as he guided them, he didn’t miss his striking blue eyes and he really didn’t miss his bright smile.

No. Nope. He missed those things 5 years ago. Not right now, as he stood in front of a line of parked cars and looked through the crowd trying to find the blonde head that promised to pick him up.

Harry looked up at the blue sky and smiled inwardly as he remembered the first time he put a foot on Doncaster, England.

He was five years old and wasn’t sure if he should be scared. He was certain his sister was, because she kept looking over her shoulder trying to see if their dad was following them. And he knew his mum was scared too, because she kept urging them to walk faster so they could get in the train already. They were running away from his dad. He didn’t know that back then, he does know and he’s happy they did it.

He remembered that night really well. He remembers walking in to the train station of Holmes Chapel in his mum’s arms and Gemma trailing behind. He wanted to ask where his dad was and if he was meeting them soon but it was 3:00 am and he was tired. His mum put him on the ground next to Gemma and bought 3 tickets. He asked his mum where they were going and his mum just looked down at him and plastered that fake smile he knew by heart.

 _“We’re going to visit an old friend of mine baby, don’t worry.”_ She said and wiped the smile off, looking back at the person who was handing her their tickets.

He wanted to ask if it was a long visit, because his mum packed all of his clothes and toys in a big bag. And he wanted to ask if his dad was coming and why it was necessary to leave at 3:00 am. He didn’t ask, though. His sister looked at him intently, telling him to shut up with her eyes and he did.

They got in the train and left without his dad, and he was still confused. His mum was sleeping beside him and Gemma was shifting her eyes between the landscape, their mum and over her shoulder. He asked her why his dad wasn’t coming. Gemma snapped her eyes at him and tensed at the mention of his name. She looked at their mum and then back at Harry.

_“Don’t ask or mention him again, Harry. Never. He’s a bad person.”_

And Harry was five and knew his dad yelled a lot at Gemma and his mum, but he wasn’t sure if that made him a bad person. He knew his mum cried a lot and that when it started his sister would lay in his bed, pull the covers over their heads and tell him a story until the screaming and crying ended and he was sleeping. Still, Harry was seven and that was the last time he asked about his dad again, he supposed Gemma had a reason.

A really good one, he knew now.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard someone calling for him.

“Yo! Gay boy! Move your ass over here!” The blond head he was looking for was a few steps away from him with a big smile that Harry missed and he walked to his friend, rolling his eyes in the process.

“Well, hello Niall, I missed you too.”

The Irish lad smiled bigger and enveloped him in a crushing bear hug that Harry missed too. “You’re too skinny and pale than the last time I saw you.” Niall commented in his ear with a serious tone.

Harry pulls back and groans “I was 18, Niall. It’s called growing up.” He adjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder and eyed his friend with a smirk.

Niall was barely blond anymore, he didn’t have braces and he was definitely taller but his accent was strangely ticker, considering the boy had been living in Doncaster since he was 9.

Niall rolled his eyes and started walking, pulling the backpack away from Harry. “I wouldn’t be so shocked if you came home more often.”

The green eyed boy groaned again and walked beside him, stuffing his hands on his pockets. “You sound like my mum, Ni.”

“Yeah, well, she worries.”

“Now you sound like Gemma.”

The blue eyed boy punched him in the shoulder and laughed his weird laugh that Harry missed too. His eyes softened a bit, showing sadness and an emotion Harry wasn’t sure of. “I’m glad you’re home, we miss you a lot.”

Harry nodded and looked down at the pavement as they reached Niall’s car.

Niall unlocked the doors of his car and took Harry’s backpack to the trunk of his car.

The silence that enveloped the car as Niall started driving was comfortable for Harry, he was tired and had been hunting himself with what this trip would bring, more specifically, _who_ it would bring. Niall, sweet as always, played Harry’s favourite music station with low volume, letting him rest and not attacking him with unnecessary questions that were quite necessary.

He wasn’t sure how he felt as the familiar sight of Doncaster’s outskirts passed by him in a quick motion, marking the way to his old home.

He felt nausea, that’s for sure, and guilt. He felt guilty because he wanted to ask Niall how Uni was going but he couldn’t because he knew that the question will lead to a tan skinned boy with pretty blue eyes, and he really couldn’t deal with that right now. He felt joy creeping in his veins because he was _home._ Yeah, London was nice, but Doncaster was his home, he grew up here, his family found shelter in this town, his past was here. But his past didn’t want him, and as hard as Harry tried, he couldn’t bring his past back.

“Liam said I should take you to our place first, so you get to rest, is that okay?” Niall asked quietly sparing looks between him and the road.

Harry chuckled softly. He felt his heart go all warm and fluffy at the memories of Liam taking care of everybody. Something would never change. “I don’t have an option, do I?” He said with a bit of bitterness, even thought he wanted it to sound more light-hearted.

Niall pulled a face. “No you really don’t. Unless you want to fuck things up a little bit more.”

He had to bite his tongue to avoid giving Niall an answer. He didn’t mind fucking things up if the meant he got to see a glimpse of Louis, even if it was just a second. It was very selfish of him considering the circumstances.

Curiosity crawled at his skin as he wondered how Louis was doing. Harry didn’t thought about Louis often; he was always in his mind and heart, like a dull ache that you couldn’t shake off no matter what you tried. He just learned to live with his shadow. But now they were in the same town. So close yet so far away. He wondered if Louis grew up, if he cut his hair, if he still wore TOMS and his feet stunk, if he decided what he wanted to do with his life, if he was still on that weird phase were he needed to have stripes on his clothes and watched X Factor religiously like they always did, if he still licked his lips and sucked a dancing.

“He’s alright, you know?” Niall said in a quiet voice that didn’t suit him at all, pulling Harry out of his thoughts.

He frowned and looked at his friend, who was suddenly very nervous tapping the steering wheel.

“Louis, he’s alright.” Niall’s lips twisted into a sad smile as he looked back at Harry. “He’s coping fine with all this shit; he even lets us help with the girls when Anne can’t stay at the hospital. He won’t talk about his feelings, of course, he’s too worried about his mum to listen to us but he’s doing fine besides that. We’re kinda waiting for him to explode.”

Harry nodded and kept his poker face on. That sounded like Louis, a more mature one, but still Louis.

The blond lad sighed. “I know you’re wondering about him because you’ve got your Louis face on, but you’re too stupid to ask, just like him.”

He cringed. He didn’t have a Louis face, not anymore. And he wasn’t stupid, he was considerate. He didn’t want to cause any unnecessary problems just because he may or may not still be in love with Louis. “How’s Jay?” He asked to try and change the subject.

Niall sighed again and Harry wanted to throw himself out of the car because he’s never heard Niall sigh over anything that wasn’t food, and now he was sighing a lot, and that couldn’t be good. “Weak, she sleeps most of the time and she can barely hold a meal down. But she’s always smiling, says she’s feeling better than the day before. Anne does her makeup every day.”

Harry nodded.  Gemma told him that every day he called after his mum cried to him over the phone. Jay was bad, really bad and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know more. He wasn’t sure of most things he did these days.

“And the girls? Are they ok?”

A little smile tugged at the corners of Niall’s lips, and that comforted Harry a little. “They’re good. They grew up quite a lot. Lottie works at the same café I play at nights and Fizzy babysits at the day-care on the afternoons after school. The twins are fourteen now, can you believe that? They are doing great at school which is really weird considering who their brother is and the situation but they’re ok. You know?”

No, he doesn’t know.

He was too arsed to even ask Gemma or his mum or even the boys whenever they called him. He felt like shit because he really couldn’t imagine the girls all grown up, in his mind they were still the little girls he helped Louis with. To him they still felt like his little sisters, because they were his as much as they were Louis, at least back then. He wondered if they remembered him, probably not, when he left he didn’t even stopped to look back and say goodbye properly. He just left.

“Sorry, mate.”

Harry shakes his head. “No, I. I left and-“

“You didn’t want to.” Niall interrupts him softly.

“But I still left and I didn’t even explain them why I was leaving, so yeah, but I’m glad they’re ok.”

Niall looks back at him when he stops the car at a red light with a warm but sad smile that eases Harry, if only a little bit. “But you’re here now. And we’ve got you.”

Somehow, that makes Harry feels like shit.

***

As they round up to Harry’s old neighbourhood he feels his heart on his throat and the air inside the car start reducing.

Every single inch they passed of Doncaster looks just like he last saw it 5 years ago, not much changed and it makes Harry feel like the time stopped here, like he never actually left.

It terrifies him.

Soon, the park where Louis taught him how to pass a ball greets him and his stomach churns. Everything is the fucking same and it should comfort him but it doesn’t. The old swing set where Zayn kissed Liam for the first time is still there as well as the tree where they found a nine year old Niall crying because he missed his home and his grandma’s food, even the fucking bench where they used to get high in the middle of the night with Zayn’s cheap weed is still there.

He couldn’t handle this, nope, no way in hell he was doing this.

“Fucking hell.” Harry muttered for himself. He needed to get his shit together before Niall dropped him off.

“We’re here.” Niall claimed as he parked the car in front of a ratty old building that looked almost abandoned. He gave him a comforting smile and climbed off the car and went to get his bag.

Harry took a deep breath and forced himself the do the same as Niall, he was just going to see Liam and Zayn, Liam and Zayn weren’t going to kill, Liam and Zayn liked him, Liam and Zayn were ok with him being back.

Right?

“C’mon then, I’m sweating my balls off here.” Niall said so eloquently.

And that’s how Harry found himself going up 5 stories of stairs and he was definitely out of shape because Niall didn’t seem bothered at all.

“Now, I’m going to warn you. The flat is shit and dirty and Liam gave up on us trying cleaning it a long time ago. And you’ll sleep on the couch for now, because I’m sure as hell I’m not sleeping there, not after all the times I’ve walked in on Zayn and Liam.” He opened the door with a shudder and Harry chuckled. “No mate, I’m scarred for life. It’s not a pretty sight no matter how hot they are.”

“Harry!”

Suddenly a warm and built body was holding him tight and punching the air out of his stomach and a hand was cradling his neck and the unique smell that could only mean _liam_ was filling his senses.

“Harry! You’re here!” Liam squealed in his ear and pulled away a bit to look at him. His brown eyes were so bright and there were crinkles in the corners and his smile was so big and his hair was shorter, way shorter and he had more muscle but somehow he still looked like the 18 year old Liam that dropped him off at the train station.

“Babe, I think you’re going to kill him.” Zayn appeared behind Liam and gave him a small smile.

“Oh, right.” Liam smiled at him like the sun shined out of his ass and stepped aside, letting Zayn hold his waist.

“You must be the Harry Styles everyone’s been freaking out about, right?” Zayn smirked at him and gave him a once over, starting from his worn out boots to his eyes.

Harry looked down and twisted his ankles. “I suppose so, yeah.” He replied with a murmur and bit his lip. Okay, so Zayn hated him.

Again he was surprised when arms enveloped him and held him close, like if he went missing and just now they found him. Maybe that was true. Zayn slapped the back of his head and pulled his hair before looking at him in the eyes again. “Don’t you ever dare to go away for 5 years, twat. I miss you too much.”

Harry smiled at him. Zayn had scruff and his hair wasn’t in a quiff and he still smelled like cheap cigarettes and just everything about these 3 boys reminded Harry of long summer days playing footie at the park and running around their houses and their mums yelling them to stop because they were going to get hurt and they were his home.

He was home.

“I missed you too.” He says with a sheepish smile.

“Okay, now that we finally had our reunion out of the way I’d be happy if one of you took this stupid bag from me because it’s fucking heavy and I think Harry carries bricks around.” Niall interrupts with a huff and a scowl, breaking the awkward air hanging around them from years without seeing each other.

“It’s not that heavy, just my lens and my camera.”

“Ah yeah, fancy London photographer that can’t leave his camera behind for a week. Forgot about that part.” Zayn teases and took the bag from Niall and places it carefully on the floor.

“Not that fancy.” Harry mumbled and scratched his neck.

He was sure his mum told them something about how he was doing in London. When he talked to them on the phone it was only for a couple of minutes, and usually it was them calling him. They just made sure was okay and breathing and Harry did the same before cutting them off and hanging up the phone.

It’s not like he didn’t want to talk to them, he did and he missed them so much, it’s just that no matter how many years passed the questions still lingered on the air unspoken after they asked how he was. _Are you okay without him? Are you sure? Do you miss him? Maybe you should come home and see him?_

And he was okay and he was sure and he couldn’t miss a stranger and no, he didn’t want to come home.

“Not what we heard, your mum likes to buy the magazines and parade them in front of our noses.” Liam pats the sit next him on the couch and pulls him close when he sits down beside him to cuddle him in against his chest.

 “Yeah, it’s not that big anyways. Just a bit of commercial shots, really. Empty models and stuck up designers that think their clothes were made by God.”

Liam gives him an understanding soft look and nodded, like he knew exactly what Harry was talking about. Like if he knew who Harry was now.

“Hey mate, you want a beer?” Zayn asks from a hallway that seemed to lead to a small kitchen.

Beer sounded like heaven but he didn’t think he could handle alcohol right now. He was too tired and Liam’s warmth seeping into his side was starting to lull him.

“Tea would be perfect, if you don’t mind.” He calls back. Zayn nods and smiled and went to prepare the drink.

“You must be really tired.” Niall notes from the floor where he was sitting with his back resting against the back of a brown couch that didn’t match at all with the clogged up living room.

The room was so much like them, little pieces scattered around that didn’t belong at all but still seemed to fit perfectly, like the guitar picks on top of a bookshelf and a sketch pad by the small coffee table and a ball on the corner of the room. Niall was right, it was dirty and smelled like sweat and food and leftovers and a condom wrapper was hanging in the corner of the small T.V. facing him and Liam.

It was theirs.

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep on the train. This couple with a small kid couldn’t shut up and the kid kept kicking my seat from behind.”

“Maybe you could take a nap in Niall’s room before your mum pops over? She should be here after she drops the girls off at the hospital.” Liam suggests and he looks at Niall for approval.

“’Course, I wouldn’t want you to interrupt Liam and Zayn’s mating afternoon rituals, would I?”

Liam blushes and throws a cushion at Niall just as Zayn walks in holding a cup of tea and two pints.

“Hey! Stop that. Those cushions are more expensive than your car.” Zayn scolds and hands Harry his tea and pass Niall the pint.

“Sorry babe.” Liam looks nothing but sorry and smiles at Zayn innocently when he rolls his eyes.

“So, Haz. How long you’re staying?” Zayn asks and settles on his side with a grin that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. Not the way Harry loves though, only one person can make Harry do anything with a smile like that and he’s not here.

“Uhm, a week.” Harry says after he takes a sip of his tea. Yorkshire, with 3 spoons of sugar. Just how he likes it.

“Just a week?” Liam asks surprised.

“Yeah, I- I can’t really stay longer. Work and everything, you know how it is.”

Harry wishes he could say he wants to stay here forever, that he hates how big and lonely London gets at nights and that he almost never sleeps anymore, that he hates his job and that he’s sorry. He wishes he could say he doesn’t even know who he is or what he wants and that not knowing scares the living shit out of him. But he can’t.

“Yeah, it’s okay mate, don’t worry. The good thing is that you’re here and you’re going to see Jay. So that’s what matters.” Niall chirps in with a comforting smile.

Harry nods and tries to return the smile but he isn’t sure if it comes out like a smile or a grimace.

He hates himself, he really does. The air around the small living room fills with tension that he knows it’s his and nerves that he knows he’s making the boys feel. They’re walking around eggshells around him. Just like everyone else in his life. And it fucking stings because these are supposed to be the people that know him more than he knows himself. But when he left Doncaster he also left the Harry they knew, the Harry he knew.

He hasn’t been here for an hour and he’s already ruining everything.

He can’t take this anymore.

“Lads, if you don’t mind, I- I’d like to take that nap now.” He says as he stands up and feels the flash of hurt on their eyes.

Zayn takes the cup from him and tries to smile but it’s barely there.

Fuck, he needs to get away now.

“No we don’t mind at all, I already put your bag outside Niall’s room and the bathroom is right in front. If you need anything just yell and I’ll make Niall your slave, yeah?”

“Fuck off, I miss him too but I’m not being his slave.”

Zayn dismisses him with a shrug. “We’ll call your mum and let her know you’re here. Now, go and sleep as long as you want babe, you look like shit.”

 _And I feel like it._ Harry thinks and walks away with a salute.

He takes his bag off the floor and opens the door he was promised and snorts when he sees the room.

It’s full of clothes that are definitely dirty and guitar cases everywhere. The bed seems clean enough and he would puke when he feels a bra poking on his back when he throws himself at the mattress. He doesn’t, instead he feels the air leave his lungs when he turns around and sees a small night table holding a lamp and a picture frame. He sees himself 5 years younger with Louis by his side and a huge smile on both of their faces. Niall, Liam and Zayn are right beside them with equal grins and the park where they used to play when they were little on the background. The got absolutely shit faced afterwards and Louis never left his side that day.

He took the picture himself with his brand new camera that Louis gave him as graduation present. They were celebrating Niall getting his first paid gig at the bar downtown, Liam quitting the stupid factory and Zayn finishing his first small novel. Louis and Harry were celebrating their bright future waiting for them.

 _The end where we begin_ is scribbled in a corner and he doesn’t want to breathe anymore because he wants to tell the boys on the pictures to stop smiling like that, that everything went to hell and their hopes were a lie. They look so fucking young and full of hope and faith and it hurts to see that nothing went how they planned.

Harry goes to sleep wondering how he ended up here and why he gave up on fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're reading this, thank you so much for finishing it and let's hope i get it together and start chapter 2. if you want updates on how i struggle and have mental breakdown over this you can check somedayitscoming.tumblr.com and you can laugh at me for a while. Oh also, I could really use an editor so if you can to help me out I would pay you in sexual favors and lots of thank yous:)  
> Thank you so much again, I hope you liked it xx


	3. I've come to know that memories were the best things you ever had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i'd like to thank wonderful cori for editing this, if i knew how to link i would but i'm too stupid. anyways, she did a wonderful job and i'm in love with her. thank you to anyone that read the first chapter and left me those lovely comments, you guys don't know how much that means to me:)  
> this has like two seconds of non graphic violence, it's barely there but i feel like i should warn you.  
> chapter title from the song 'old pine' by ben howard,  
> so, this one gave me a bit of a headache but here it is xx

When Harry was five and set foot for the first time on the Tomlinson’s household he was confused.

His mum seemed to be breathing a bit easier and Gemma stopped looking over her shoulder the moment they got off the train and climbed the back of the cab. His mum gave the driver an address that he didn’t recognize, and they didn’t look so scared anymore after the driver dropped them off in front of a small brick house with a garden full of toys and two bikes forgotten in the sidewalk.

Gemma looked at him with a small smile; the one she gave him after his dad went to work, the one that meant _we’re safe now_ and that comforted Harry.

He was looking up at the door when his mum knocked on it two times and a rush of loud noise met him as they waited for the door to open. It wasn’t a bad loud, it was a good loud. It wasn’t like when his dad came home from work angry and started yelling at his mum and Gemma ushered him inside her room and started talking his ear off. No, this was a good loud, full of shrieks and giggles that reminded him of story time at school.

When the door opened and a petite woman with pretty eyes and a warm smile greeted them, he felt relief flooding out of his mum’s hand.

“Anne,” the woman breathed out and pulled his mum into a hug, Gemma smiled wide as his mum returned the hug. “Gemma look at you, you’re so big,” the woman said over his mum’s shoulder and smiled too. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

His mum pulled away with a teary smile and Harry was really confused. “Me too, Jay,” his mum smiled and wiped the tears before they fell. She looked down at Harry and smiled even wider. “Baby you remember Jay?”

Jay. Harry looked up again and tried his best polite smile, just like his mum taught him and shook his head.

“Oh darling, of course you don’t,” Jay said with a smile and knelt down to his level. “You were just a wee little lad the last time you were here.”

 Harry didn’t know when was the last time he was here, but he wasn’t about to go and tell Jay she was wrong, so he just nodded. “I’m a big boy now. Mummy says so,” Harry told her proudly and presented his hand for her to shake. “’M’Harry.”

Jay giggled and shook his head. “Johanna. But you can call me Jay.”

“Jay can I see Lottie?” Gemma asked with her sweetest grin and Harry scrunched up his nose at her.

“Sure, come on in. You’re not staying out here all day.” Jay took their bags and ushered them inside.

The good kind of loud met him again and he realized there was a baby with big blue eyes, just like Jay’s, sitting on the floor banging blocks together and the TV had Sponge Bob playing and the radio was coming off from somewhere around the house. It smelled like just made tea and cookies and baby food and it felt nice.

Gemma rushed to the baby and Jay sat his mum down on the couch and Harry stood there in the middle, not knowing what to do. He wanted to ask questions but he wasn’t sure if he could.

“Why don’t you go upstairs, darling? Louis is upstairs playing in his room, the one with the blue door, I’m sure he’d be happy to see you.” Jay told him and placed a small plate with cookies in his hands. “Tell him to share this with you.”

He looked at his mum for permission and she nodded with the same watery smile in her lips. Harry would go and cuddle her if he didn’t know her better. Yeah, there were tears in her eyes but she looked more happy and relaxed and calm and she almost never looked like that nowadays. So he smiled his brightest grin at his mum and went down the hallway and up the stairs.

It was the beginning of the end. He didn’t knew this back then, he was too naïve and the cookies looked good but the moment he pushed the blue door open and saw the prettiest eyes ever he was a goner.

A boy with tanned skin looked up from his toys and the Lego castle he was building and eyed him slowly. Harry felt weird under his eyes, they weren’t like Jay’s or the baby’s, his eyes were better, bluer, his eyes reminded him of the time his uncle took him and Gemma to the beach and the ocean was so blue it was scary. Harry feared it would eat him whole.

“You have curly hair.” The boy said after he was done eyeing him and walked towards him. “It’s weird.” He said with narrowed eyes and disbelief in his voice, like Harry’s hair couldn’t be real.

“’S not weird,” Harry mumbled and looked down at the plate of cookies. “My mummy says it’s special.”

He felt a hand tugging at his hair and normally Harry would protest and pout, but he didn’t. Instead he let the boy examine him as much as he wanted.

After he decided Harry’s hair was okay the boy smiled at him and took the plate of cookies and sat on the floor once again, leaving Harry standing there with a frown.

“I’m Louis. Not Lewis, _Loueh._ Many people get that wrong and I hate it.” Louis said and patted the floor. “C’mere, I don’t bite. I only bite the people at school I don’t like, but my mum says that’s wrong, but I won’t bite you because I like your hair. A girl in my class, Beth, she has curly hair too but I don’t like it, it makes her head look big. Your head isn’t big though, don’t worry. You must be really shy. I don’t like shy people. They’re boring, but you’re quirky so that’s ok. I like that word, mum says I’m quirky so you must be too. My mate Stan went to Manchester to visit his Granny for the holidays and I don’t have someone to play with because all the kids in my class are annoying, you wanna play with me?”

Harry wasn’t shy. It’s just that this kid, _Loueh_ , wouldn’t let him talk. He didn’t like it when people talked a lot, but he found Louis was kinda funny, like he couldn’t stop his words. Harry nodded and looked around the room. It was full of power rangers and the sheets had power rangers too and even the lamp was the red power ranger.

“C’mere then, you can be the blue power ranger -Stan is usually the blue one but he won’t mind- and obviously I’m the red power ranger, yeah?” It didn’t seem like a question but he still nodded and let Louis pass him the little blue man figure anyways. “You don’t talk much, do you Curly?”

“’M’not Curly, my name’s Harry.” He said with a bit more confidence but he still looked down, maybe if he looked at Louis eyes for too long he might not be able to look away and that wouldn’t be fun. Not when he was trying to impress Louis.

Harry didn’t have many friends, only his dog Max with his funny eye, but his dad took him to a farm for a holiday and the kids in his year were too loud and banged their heads against the table and Harry was just fine with his head intact, plus they didn’t talk to him much either and Harry wasn’t good with words, not like Louis. And Louis said he liked him.

“Harry. Ha. Rry. Har. Ry. Harreh.” Louis pursed his lips and eyed him again. “Mhmm, yeah okay. Harry suits you.”

Harry smiled and went to help Louis built the castle.

“My mum said you’d be coming over and that you might stay for a couple of days. Why?”

He just shrugged. “I don’t know. My mummy woke me up and put us in a train. Gemma told me not to ask about my dad. He yells a lot sometimes.”

Louis nodded, like he knew that already and offered him a cookie. “My daddy left when I was a baby. But I have a new daddy now. He’s always working and traveling and when he comes home he yells at my mum sometimes too. I don’t like it when he does that but now I have Lottie, but she doesn’t know how to say my name yet, she calls me Looup. My mum says it’s cute. I don’t hate her because she’s my little sister.”

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you be my friend?”

Louis smiled at him, all wide and happy and the corners of his eyes crinkled and there was mischief in his blue eyes. Harry hasn’t felt safer ever since. “Of course, Curly. I like your curls too much.” He poked at Harry’s dimples for good measure and went back to chat endlessly about Stan and Lottie and Power Rangers and his Granddad’s summer house.

It was the beginning of their end.

***

The first week they were in Doncaster his mum went back to get all of their stuff and Gemma wouldn’t stop eating her nails. He shared room with Louis and played on his garden every afternoon. If it was a bit cloudy Gemma would bring out Lottie and play with them. They settle in a routine quickly and it was like if he knew Louis all his life. He felt like it. Louis was funny and naughty but not too much and he sneaked cookies in the middle of the night for Harry. Sometimes Jay would take them to the park that was a couple of blocks away and they played footie.

Louis was really good but Harry still couldn’t make a goal to save his life. Louis didn’t mind or made fun of him though, said he would spend every afternoon practicing with him if it was necessary.

Doncaster was nice, the people were friendly and there was a really nice ice cream shop and the sun seemed to shine brighter here than in Holmes Chapel.  Harry confessed to Louis that he didn’t miss Holmes Chapel at all, not even his daddy. Louis smiled at him and poked his dimples (he did that a lot) and told him he never had to go back there, that he was happy to share his bed as long as Harry wanted.

That summer they became inseparable. They were always joined by a limb and Gemma rolled her eyes at both of them but Louis poked his tongue out at her, told her to bugger off. Harry smiled proudly every time.

His mum got a job and she took care of them when Jay put on her funny green suit and kissed his and Louis’ foreheads and told them to be good. Louis always crossed his fingers behind his back when he told his mum they were going to be nice.

It was one night, right before school started and Louis and Gemma had to wake up early that there was a knock in the door.

Louis and Harry were watching telly on the living room and they already had their jammies on, Gemma was washing her teeth in the bathroom and Lottie was sleeping in her room. His mum was in the kitchen preparing them a snack when she rushed to open the door. She gasped when she saw his dad.

Harry’s eyes went wide and Louis frowned.

“Des, what are you doing here?” His mum asked with a strained voice and Harry was scared because that was the tone she used before his dad started yelling.

His dad pushed his mum off the door frame and stepped inside the house. Louis clutched his hand. “Harry, go get your sister and your stuff, we’re going home.”

Harry pouted. He didn’t want to go with his dad, he wanted to stay here, with Louis and Jay and Lottie.

 His mum gulped behind his dad and pressed her lips together. “Louis, will you please go upstairs with Harry and Gemma and don’t come out until I go and get you, okay?”

His dad turned back to his mum and grabbed her arm, his mum yelped but didn’t do anything to push him off.

“Go.” She said and Louis grabbed his hand and ran out of the room as quickly as he could without letting Harry stay behind.

Gemma was about to go downstairs when they found her and then his dad started yelling. Harry knew it wasn’t good because he was saying bad words and Gemma gasped she was about to run towards their mum but Louis caught her. “No! He is going to take you away and Anne said we can’t go downstairs.”

“Louis! Let me go! He’s going to hurt her again!” Gemma whined.

Again? His dad hurt his mummy before?

“No! C’mon let’s go to Lottie’s room.” Louis pushed her towards the pink door and looked back where Harry was frozen with tears in his eyes. “Harry let’s go!”

When they finally got to Lottie’s room Louis locked the door behind him and Gemma started pacing. The yelling outside got louder and his mum's cries could be heard around the house.

“Louis!” Gemma cried and tried to move him away from the door.

“No!”

“Louis, please! He’s going to hurt her! I need to call your mum; I’ll just call your mum, yeah? Please Louis.”

“Gem…” Harry whimpered when his sister wouldn’t didn’t even look at him. He was so scared because it was never like this, his sister was crying and she wasn’t trying to distract him with whatever came to her. And his dad was going to hurt his mum. His mum wasn’t safe, they weren’t safe. “Gem, what’s going on?”

Gemma didn’t even hear him. “Louis, I need to call your mum. Please.” She pleaded and Louis moved out of the way to let her go out of the room. “I’ll be right back, okay? I promise.”

“Louis…” He cried and saw how his lower lip started to wobble, like Louis wanted to cry too. “Lou.”

Louis rushed by his side and sat them both on the floor, holding Harry tight and petting his hair and covering his ears. “No, Hazza. Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay.”

“He- Lou- He’s going to hurt them.”

“No, he won’t. I won’t let it happen. I have you Haz, don’t cry. I’m the red power ranger, remember? I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Harry.”

Harry doesn’t remember what happened after that. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. All he remembers is that he woke up in Jay’s arms while she was laying him down next to his mum. Gemma was there already, cuddling their sleeping mum close on the couch. His dad was gone and his mum was okay.

“Jay?”

“Yes darling?”

“He’s not coming back right?”

“No, he’s not coming back.”

That was the last time Harry wondered about his father.

***

Everything was fine after that. His mum got a job during the day and it was almost like that night never happened. Except for how possessive and protective Louis got after that. If Louis was out somewhere Harry was sure to be besides him or following behind. They became HarryandLouis.

Not even their mums could get them to spend 5 minutes without each other.

That was until their mums sat them down and told them Gemma, Anne and Harry were going to move to a house down the street and Louis threw the biggest tantrum he has ever seen.

“You can’t take Harry away from me!” Louis whined and did all of these wild gestures with his hands because he was growing frustrated that their mums just kept smiling at him. “Anne, he can sleep in my bed as long as he wants! I don’t mind him!”

“Sorry dear. We can’t live with you forever, Harry needs his own room and you’re starting school next week. I’m sure Harry can come here after you get home and you can sleep over at our house on the weekends.” Anne told him with a smile.

“No! Mum tell her it’s okay if Harry stays with me.”

“Louis, I’m sure Harry would like some time away from you, right darling?” Jay looked at Harry for confirmation and winked at him.

Harry just giggled when Louis gasped and put his hand on his chest like if his mum’s words were the most hurtful thing in the world.

“Mum!”

“Louis, they’re just moving 5 houses away. Stop being a baby.”

Louis stomped and pouted crossed his arms across and his chest and narrowed his eyes at both women but the only thing he accomplished was Anne smirking behind her cup of tea and Jay laughing at him.

“This is not fair!” He cried before he took Harry’s hand and dragged him away from the house and their laughing mums.

“Mum said you can sleep over on the weekends.” Harry told him with a reassuring smile when they got to the garden.

Louis just pouted even more.

“C’mon Lou, ‘s not that bad. I’m going to miss you too.”

“I just can’t protect you if you’re not with me.” Louis mumbled and sat on the grass.

Harry smiled and knocked him to his back, kissing Louis’ cheek and hugging him tight. “Yes you can. You’re the red power ranger, remember?”

***

And they grew up.

Harry never questioned when Louis held his hand and took him to somewhere they could be alone.

It was pure and innocent and sweet and they were just two boys that were best friends.

That’s how they found Liam sitting in the curve of the sidewalk when Harry was 6 and Louis was 8 and Louis goal in life was to take Liam out of his shell and keep Harry smiling in the process.

And so they became the three musketeers and Liam was their limit. Liam was the voice of reason that saved Louis from having a concussion when he tried to climb a tree and made Harry see that it was okay to maybe not do everything Louis says whenever he used the ‘I’m the red power ranger’ excuse. That saved them from a lot of trouble.

6 months later, at Christmas break, Zayn showed up with his impressing history of beating the crap out of kids since maternal and a concerning obsession with power rangers that had Louis squealing with excitement.

When Harry was seven and Louis was nine they were playing hide and seek at the park and Louis had to find the other three. Harry wanted to hide behind a tree but instead he found a crying Niall that was scared and that scared Harry too so he started crying as well, which ended up in Louis almost making Zayn beat Niall for breaking his Harry.

But Liam, of course, went for the logical solution and so the Irish boy became their lucky charm.

Every single one of them was inseparable, but Harry and Louis were something different, _had_ something different.

 Harry was Louis’ favorite and Louis was on a pedestal in Harry’s book.

They fitted and complimented each other. No matter how old they grew, who came in to their lives or who left them. They had each other.

It was weird how everyone around them seemed to accept so easily that there was no way to pull them apart.

No one questioned, no one dared to take Harry away from Louis, no one dared to say a bad word about Louis in front of Harry. They belonged together; it was just as simple as why humans need air, need oxygen to breathe. They needed each other.

Not even Harry in his 5 year old mind questioned he belonged to Louis, never.

He didn’t had a reason to do so, Louis made him laugh and kept him safe and protected and always pushed him to do something exciting, something fun, encouraging him to be better .

There was just no way to explain it.

It’s just that as they grew up, they grew together, intertwined like vines, like life lines. There was no Harry without a Louis and there was no Louis without a Harry. One’s not much without the other.

And maybe that’s why they fell so easily into each other. No one understood and it was fine.

They went to school together, had lunch together, played together, slept together, did their homework together and maybe it wasn’t healthy but it was fine, it was okay. They were a rare thing that people didn’t dare to touch, they just smile at them and ruffled their heads and watched how they became too necessary for each other. It was fine.

Until it was not fine anymore. And Louis questioned everything that was theirs, everything that was right and settled and sure.

Louis questioned it. Harry never did. Not even now when Louis’ sisters were waking him up and jumping on Niall’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm jumping off a cliff now. bye xx  
> somedayitscoming.tumblr.com


	4. Because trouble falls like rain and lately it's been pouring down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i'd just like to say a 'massive thank you' for the lovely comments, that means so much to me:) and also a really massive thank you and sorry to cori (http://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyAnnie) , she did a wonderful job editing this chapter and yeah, i hope you like it xx.

Harry woke up with two blonde girls poking his eyes.

He’d be lying if he says he didn’t miss that.

“WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP HARRY STYLES!” One of the blurred blondes yells in his face with a smile on her lips.

“WE HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN 5 YEARS AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU COME HOME IS GO TO SLEEP? I AM TERREBLY OFFENDED!” The other blurs yells and jumps in the bed and starts stepping on his vital organs at the same time.

“Wake up McHazza!”

“No! He’s McCurly!”

“McHazza!”

“McCurly!”

Harry grunts and takes both girls in his arms, pulling them down to the bed with him. “Okay! I’m up. Stop screaming.”

“Hi Harry.” The twins said at the same time.

“Hello girls.” He grins and feels his heart growing twice its size when he realizes that they’re not the 8 year olds he last saw.

“Did you miss us Harry?” Daisy asks softly with a pout that he’s too familiar with.

“We missed you a lot.” Phoebe adds quietly, like she wasn’t sure she could say it, from his other side and nuzzles her head against his chest.

Everything hurts.

Harry clears his throat to get rid of the knot of guilt keeping the air away from his lungs and tries to smile genially at them. It’s not as hard as he thought. “Of course I missed you Pheebs. And Daze too.”

Phoebe frowns. “I’m Daisy.”

Harry barks out a laugh, a real one and his first one in a long time and pokes their noses before kissing their temples. “Unlike certain member of your family, I do know how to tell you two demons apart since the moment you were born, I was kinda there.”

The girls scrunch up their noses at him but giggle anyways. “Are we still your suns?” Daisy asks with a smile.

“Yes, you two will always be my suns.” Harry confirms.

“Alright girls, that’s enough. Let the Yeti get up.”

Harry looks up at the new voice and finds two girls with their arms crossed under their chests. One was a dirty blonde with big blue eyes and a smirk and the other was a brunette that could pass as a younger Jay.

If he didn’t know any better, he’d said those two are Lottie and Fizzy.

The twins jump out of Niall’s bed giggling and run out of the room in a blur, leaving Harry alone with what seem two very angry young ladies.

“You must be the Harry Styles everyone’s been freaking out about.” Lottie says with a raised eyebrow that reminds him of trouble and getting his way with lots of charm.

“Zayn already said that.” He responds with a half smile.

“Zayn’s right most of the times.” Lottie shots back.

Harry chuckles and sits up on the edge of the bed. “I seriously doubt that.”

“Well, you’d know if you haven’t gone missing for the past 5 years.”

Okay, so that hurt.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes out.

Lottie bites her lips and nods once, she holds her breathe for a little and scans him, like if he was a stranger and she’s trying to see if she can trust him. That’s not completely a lie. She smiles hesitantly at him before walking over to the bed and wrapping her arms around him, holding him tight and trying to fit herself on his side and the action reminds Harry of the nights when she had nightmares about her dad and fell asleep between him and her brother.

“Just try to say goodbye next time you leave, yeah?” She whispers in his neck.

Harry nods and tries to fight down the lump and the tears he knows he can’t let go. He has a feeling he’ll be doing that a lot today. “I promise.”

When he looks up from Lottie’s shoulder he finds a pair of brown eyes narrowing at him.

“Isn’t my moody pants Fizz going to give me a hug?”

Fizzy rolls her eyes at him and Lottie laughs when she lets go of Harry. “It still doesn’t rhyme Harold; I don’t know how you came up with that horrible nickname.”  She tries to hold back her grin but fails when Harry pouts at her. “God, you’re just as stupid as I remember.”

“Hey! Language!”

Fizzy laughs and runs to hug him, pushing her sister aside. “We missed you Yeti.”

“I missed you girls too.”

“Not to ruin the moment, but it’d be lovely if you come to the kitchen with us.” Lottie says from the door frame and Fizzy drags him out of the bed.

He shouldn’t think it’s weird how there’s pieces of Louis scattered around the girls, tiny bits that are the best qualities of their brother and it really shouldn’t surprise Harry, because after all, Louis _is_ their brother. Louis didn’t leave them. But it still hurts because is like having all the nightmares he managed to come up with in the 2 hours of sleep he’s had since leaving Doncaster, the little parts of Louis that invaded his sleep are right there sitting in crooked old chairs and perched on a worn out table.

The way Louis scrunches up his nose when he’s trying not to laugh at something is right there in Daisy and the way Phoebe’s eyes light up and crinkle at the corners when Niall says something stupid is too much like Louis’. When Fizzy rolls her eyes it’s like Louis is right there besides him and when Lottie cocks her eyebrow again is too much for Harry and he feels dizzy and why did he ever came back here? Who convinced him this was a good idea because it clearly isn’t.

It feels like everything is closing up on him and he really needs to get out of this town as fast as possible.

Fuck, he’s not going to make it.

“Haz are you okay?” Niall asks with an amused look on his face, in Harry’s mind Niall is laughing at his emotional breakdown.

Harry swallows and sits on the stool that faces the twins eating bagels on the table. “Fine.” He croaks out.

“Is this the famous Harry everyone in town is been whispering about?” A brunette girl with tanned skin asks with a smile, and okay, people need to stop saying that.

“Yeah.” He says and tries for a friendly smile that he should have mastered by now but apparently it doesn’t because the brunette snorts at him and offers her hand.

“Right, I’m Liana. I live downstairs.”

“Oh.”

“I’m also Niall’s girlfriend.” She adds as an afterthought.

Well that’s surprising. “Niall has a girlfriend?” He asks with a chuckle.

Liana laughs when Niall frowns and the rest of the girls in the room laugh too. “I know, I ask myself that question every day.”

Harry turns to Niall and gives him an outraged look, widening his eyes and everything for full effect. “What happened to your right hand Nialler? I liked her just fine.”

Niall throws a napkin at him. “Ha ha, very funny Styles.  You’re a brilliant comedian.”

“I try.” Harry says with a grin.

“So Harry, how long are we going to be graced by your presence?” Liana asks with a teasing tone.

“Just a week.”

“A week?” The twins whine at the same time and he really should be used to it by now but it’s still kinda creepy.

“Yeah, I just came to check on Jay, there’s a job waiting for me.”

He should say he’s sorry, because they’re pouting and he’s sure that just coming back and showing up out of nowhere is opening wounds that should not be there in the first place, not only in the girls but in Niall and Liam and Zayn and Jay and his mum too. When he was 18 and scared and leaving seemed the only solution to all of his problems he hurt his whole family, not only Louis or himself.

He should say he’s sorry but the words won’t go past his throat, his tongue feels tied and there’s just so much weight on his shoulders that he honestly can’t even apologize for being a dick.

The tension in the room is too fucking heavy and the looks of pity are exactly what he doesn’t need right now, he has enough of those back in London.

“Mum’s really happy that you came home, Harry.” Lottie says to try and break the silence. She adds a smile for good measure. “She misses you a lot.”

It should make Harry feel better.

It doesn’t.

And that’s when he remembers the Tomlinsons aren’t supposed to know he’s here, he was just going to see Jay and his mum and leave before people noticed him. Rumors spread like wildfire here in Doncaster and sooner or later Louis would find out about him. And that couldn’t end with a happy ending.

“Uhm, girls, you do know you can’t tell your brother I’m here, right? My mum told you about that? And by the way, where’s my mum? And Liam and Zayn? They told me my mum was coming over after she dropped the girls off at the hospital.” Harry says with a frown that makes Liana bite her lip and the eyes of the twins go sad in a fraction of a second. Fizzy looks pissed that he even brought the question up and Lottie starts chewing her index finger off. Niall’s the only one that looks at him.

“Liam and Zayn had to pick Louis up from his work and uhm, Anne went to the hospital to be with Jay.” Niall says with a wavering voice. He’s lying, he knows the kid too well.

“Is Jay okay?” Harry asks anyways.

“She’s fine.” Fizzy says too quickly and with a defensive tone.

Lottie takes in a breath and hugs her sides, like if she was bracing herself from something that was going to hurt her. “Her doctor wanted to make a couple of exams and the girls can’t be there, Louis was at work and someone had to be there with my mum so Anne went. I, I just finished my shift at the café and we wanted to stop by and say hi before going to the hospital.”

Well, isn’t Harry a fucking prick.

“I- I didn’t know.” He says a little breathless. Seriously, this town is taking the air away from his lungs.

“Of course you didn’t, you just popped up after 5 years Harry, how can you know?” Fizzy says with narrowed eyes that could have flying knives directed at him. “Oh, and don’t worry, it’s not like Louis wants to know about you. C’mon girls, we’re leaving.”

“Fiz-“

“Save it.” She says and pushes the twins out the door before any of them can say anything else.

Liana bangs her head against the table and Niall hides his head behind his hands, the stress in his body pretty visible while Lottie looks at him with half an apologetic look that’s a bit more murderous than sorry.

Harry groans. He really needs to get out of this town.

“She’s having problems accepting mum’s sick, she’s too much like Louis’ stubborn side and you know how defensive she can get. She doesn’t mean it.”

Harry shakes his head. “No, she’s right.”

He hates this, he hates to know that he caused all of this just because he was stupid and naïve and wide eyed. This is his entire fault.

“I’ll go and take some air, yeah?” He says and doesn’t wait to hear Liana’s sigh or Lottie’s choked sob or Niall calling his name.

***

His first intention was to go the park, but it’s filled with too many memories and not enough future. So he settles for the staircase that has a view to his childhood.

There’s a rush of feelings taking over his body and regret is the leader.

He regrets leaving, he regrets coming, he regrets every word that left his mouth when he told Louis his name, and he regrets storming off without grabbing his camera first. His new life line.

The view to the park is perfect from here, like it’s meant to be framed and hanged in a wall to be displayed. The sunlight casting shadows on the green grass makes it look like there are two different worlds in one.

Harry reckons he belongs to the shadow that lies under the oak tree.

He kind of wishes he could have taken a picture of the girls before he fucked up. So that when he’s back in London, wandering its empty streets with too bright lights at 3 am, he can force himself to realize that life goes on, that his life in Doncaster went on without him, just like he was told and promised, that children grow and stop being children and that he needs to do the same.

He’s so deep in to his thoughts that he doesn’t feels Niall sitting by his side.

“You need to stop blaming yourself mate. You’ve done it since we were kids and gave Zayn the last cherry Popsicle just because Liam was out with Andy.” His friend says with a quiet voice that still startles him and shakes his head with a hint of a smile in his eyes.

It’s now that he really _sees_ Niall for the first time in 5 years. There are bags under his eyes and he looks peaky and there’s worried lines framing his forehead even though his face is relaxed, but there’s still light and easiness in his blue orbs. Even when he looks like shit he doesn’t look like it.

If Niall looks like crap he doesn’t want to know how the others look like.

“Fizzy is right.” Harry mumbles after a beat of silence.

Niall rolls his eyes. “Mate, she’s seventeen and her mum is sick. She just needs to yell at someone and you were an easy target. It’s how she copes.”

Harry should know that but he doesn’t.

He sighs before continuing. “You heard Lottie, she’s like Louis. She holds everything in and then explodes and runs away. Just like her brother.”

“It’s that supposed to comfort me?”

Because it really doesn’t.

“I’m just telling you how it is. She’s just worried about Jay and the girls. She’ll come around.”

He really should know this, because he could have asked what he was facing before coming back but he tried to block everything out, especially Jay being sick.

Jay’s like a second mum and he doesn’t even know what’s going to happen to her.

“The doctor- he didn’t- they weren’t making exams on her, right?” Harry asks with a shaking voice and he already knows the answer, it doesn’t mean he wants to know it.

The light in Niall’s eyes dims a little. “No, she’s not getting better and her body didn’t respond well to the treatment and the medication they gave her. Jay didn’t want the girls to see her like that.”

“Do Phoebe and Daisy know the truth? Do they know what’s wrong with her?”

“No, Jay doesn’t want to scare them.” He sighs again and hides his head behind his forearms. “Jay’s been sick for a long time, we just found out a few months ago when Lottie found her passed out in the kitchen. She didn’t want to tell anybody. She said she wanted to go on with her life normally and that we should too but she wasn’t getting any better and Louis put her in the hospital. Even then she asked us not to tell the twins. That’s why Fizzy got defensive.”

“So if something happens- if Jay doesn’t- who takes the girls? Fizz is still a minor and the twins aren’t even 15. Who keeps them?” Harry asks fearfully. “Where’s Mark?”

Niall shakes his head and shrugs. “He knows about Jay, but Louis doesn’t want him here, neither does Lottie. So if something goes wrong I guess they stay with Louis.”

Everything is fucked up. This shouldn’t even be happening; he shouldn’t be asking these questions, the thought of something going wrong with Jay shouldn’t even cross his mind. And the worst is that he knows he was needed, but he wasn’t here.

“Shit.” He breathes out.

“Yeah.”

“I just- I was supposed to be here, you know? I was supposed to be here with my mum and Jay and the girls and I should be helping but all I’m doing is fucking things up and I’ve only been for like, 5 hours. The twins are the age Lottie was when I left. You know how fucked up that is? I was supposed to be here and I wasn’t. I wasn’t here Niall.” Harry sobs and suddenly the pressure is too much and he just can’t do this, he was fine pretending he did have a past waiting for him, a past that didn’t want him and even though he knows that, he knows he isn’t wanted, he still wants to be here, he still wants to be there because he’s a fucking child.

Niall takes him in his arms and lets him cry.

This is all fucked up.

***

By night time Liam and Zayn are back with take out and tired faces, they sit by the coffee table and eat quietly before Niall, Liana and Lottie leave to the café for Niall’s gig. He feels even shittier because he just cried in Niall’s arms and the least he could do is watch him play but Niall doesn’t let him so he stays in their couch where Zayn and Liam cuddle him and make small talk about their lives.

He’s happy for at least a second when he hears all this stories about Zayn and Liam’s work. They’re both teachers at Hall Cross and they have workshops after school, Zayn teaches art and Liam has the P. E. class. They’re trying to take his mind off today’s events and they’re _trying_ but Harry still sees the hesitance in Liam when he’s in the middle of saying something but doesn’t, and Harry knows he was about to say Louis’ name or something Louis did or something Louis said. Louis has the drama department even though he didn’t pass his A-levels, but he has a reputation and he clearly doesn’t know this by eavesdropping on his mum when she visited him and she talked to Jay in his small kitchen. But he is happy for them, because at least their lives turned out the way they planned, unlike his.

It’s when Liam starts stammering in the middle of telling him about a kid in Zayn’s art class that his boyfriend takes over with a roll of his eyes that’s too fond for Harry’s mood, but he lets it pass.

“So how’s London?” Zayn asks and gives him an encouraging smile.

London’s shit, so he grimaces and sees how Zayn’s grin falls a little and Liam gets his stupid worried look.

“Big and loud and crowded, London is fine.” He replies and the smile he forces doesn’t help his lie.

London is the exact opposite of what he thought back when he was 18. It rains a lot and there are too many tourists and it’s so crowed it’s almost suffocating, his job isn’t what he dreamed and his flat is too empty and cold everything is just lifeless and grey and it’s shit. It’s not what he wanted, it never was but he has half of a life there and that’s better than having a past that doesn’t want him. London is so crowded that it started to cut his air short but it’s so empty he feels the coldness in his bones. To be honest he doesn’t even know half of it. He just goes back and forth between his flat and his job and the bar when he’s feeling especially lost. Harry’s just a boy lost in a big city.

The only time he feels like the city is quiet enough to let him breathe and think straight is when he can’t sleep and there’s not much to do when the city is dead. He doesn’t even know what he wants or what he expected. He annoys himself.

Harry doesn’t know what’s worse, London or Doncaster or himself.

In London there are all of these places that he knows Louis would love, that Louis could light up with his brightness and brashness, London could be so different if Louis was there to warm the city up. But he’s not. And Harry’s in London. And that’s just the way things are.

Doncaster has Louis, London doesn’t. That should explain it enough.

“London is… London.” He says with a sigh.

“We can visit you Harry, if you just let us. Like in the summer, and you can show us around.” Liam smiles at him softly and he would say no but they know each other too much.

To be honest, he knows he wouldn’t be so lonely if he just stops wallowing in self pity and get his head out of his ass and takes Nick’s offer to hang out with him, but he got so used to the stability that comes with being alone that he doesn’t care anymore.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

Zayn holds him tight after a moment and pets his hair the way he knows Harry likes. “Haz, no matter what happens tomorrow or when you leave back to London, we’re here. We’ll be right here and you just need to say the words and we’ll get to you. Even if you are in fucking Chile, we’re going to drag your ass back home. Understood?”

Harry smile and yeah, at least his past doesn’t want him but he has his brothers and it’s enough for him right now, at least until he wakes up tomorrow and faces his mum and goes to see Jay.

It’s enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and uhm, i can't promise anything but let's pray everything goes according to the plan and updates will be on fridays or saturday mornings. i have a little surprise for the next chapter so if you wanna see how that's going you can check somedayitscoming.tumblr.com feel free to comment or ask me anything or even if you wanna make fun of my writing skills my ask box is open:) anyways, thanks again for reading xxxx


	5. Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, sorry about the late update (i had exams and shit to do, soz) but here it is! Uh, this one has a little surprise and I really hope you like it. Thank you to wonderful Cori for editing, this would be shit without her help. Oh, chapter's title is a quote for Blue Valentine I saw on tumblr at last minute so yeah. xx

Louis was fine. He’s okay. _Just fine_.

He hasn’t had a proper sleep since he was 20, the fucking a/c of his flat was broken, his clothes were crawling on the floor, he needed to do the grocery shopping because his sisters couldn’t live off noodles and sandwiches forever, needed to give Lottie money for her cab and fix his fucking piece of shit that people called car, needed to make sure his mum is okay, he needed to go to the stupid parents’ meeting at the twins’ school, and he’s _fine_.

He really is.

“You’re not,” Liana says with a serious look and pours him tea in his mug.

Louis rolls his eyes because he’s had this conversation with everybody at least twice a month and it’s getting fucking tiring. “I am. I’m okay. I just have a shit ton of things to do, so stop telling me I‘m not okay because I am.”

Liana sighs and her serious look turns sad and there’s pity floating in her green eyes and just locking eyes with her is too difficult for him. (Even if her eyes don’t even compare to the ones that haunt him every time he blinks). “Look, I wasn’t here when _that_ happened and the only Louis I know is the one that I’m seeing right now sitting on my floor because he can’t spend a full day in his own flat and if I think you’re not okay now then I don’t even wanna how you were before I came here. So, no Lou, you’re not okay. From what I’ve heard you’re getting worse.”

“It’s not like I’m a fucking junkie Liana!”

“You look like one!”

Louis groans and honestly, does he seriously have to sell his soul to the devil to drink his tea properly? “Lia, I’m not going to say it again so please pay attention. I. Am. Fine.”

She just blinks unfazed, like he didn’t even say the words. “You need therapy.” She deadpans and downs her tea before leaving him alone and not giving him a chance to reply.

He tries so hard to just swallow the knot in his throat and calm down. What do people want from him, really? His mum is dying, he has 4 little sisters to look after and everyone is all up in his dick and he just wants to breathe, he just needs peace. He doesn’t need therapy, he doesn’t have a trauma or issues or anything because he’s okay. He’s feeling okay.

And maybe that’s the matter, that he doesn’t feel anything else other than resignation.

He knows his mum won’t be around for long and that he’ll have to live off Mark’s fucking paycheck and he knows his life is a mess and he’ll have to get a second job and he’ll be left alone to deal with 2 teenagers and he knows he’s never going to sleep again and he knows he’s meant to have Liam give him worried looks just like Niall looks at him sadly sometimes and Zayn ignores him for a few days, he knows he’s going to deal with this for the rest of his life.

He’s resigned to have half of him being gone and living in London and know the person that built up his other half will be gone soon. He resigned to it years ago. He resigned to this a long time ago.

So he’s fine now.

Louis walks to the small kitchen and he knows Liana is going to ignore him now.

“I don’t need therapy.” He says a little harshly so he takes a deep breath and continues with a softer tone. “My mum is dying. That’s all. I don’t need help.”

“No, you just need him.”

What?

“What?” Louis feels his blood rush to his toes and he feels dizzy and he’s sure he’s a little pale by the way Liana widens her eyes and sits him on a chair. “What did you just say?”

“Lou…” She whispers and the left corner of her mouth turns down. “I said you need him.”

Fucking hell, this so not what he needed now. “Not you too Liana, please, don’t be like them.”

“You can’t even say his name, Lou. You _flinch_ wherever Niall or Liam or Zayn bring him up, even when your mum lets it slips without noticing.” Liana seems troubled, like she didn’t want to say it but she still did and she’s not being fair.

And he doesn’t flinch, why would he? He’s over it; he was over it even before it happened.

“Liana, you know nothing about it. And this has nothing to do with the conversation we were having. Just- just don’t mention it again. Please?”

Louis is not stupid. He knows he hasn’t been the brightest and pleasant person in a while but he can’t help it and it’s not fair that the only person that looked at him without having to see his past in their eyes is bringing it up.

“You weren’t there.” He murmurs after a sigh. “I don’t know how you guys want me to move on if you keep reminding me as soon as I walk through the door.”

Niall’s girlfriend sighs again and he feels bad, he does, he just wishes he could erase it from everyone’s brain so they leave him alone. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m always telling Niall to let it go and give you a break but you just look like you’re wasting away Lou, and that worries me.”

He’s been wasting away for years now; people should be used to it by now. “I’m okay.” He says out of habit and Liana just nods and offers him a glass of water.

“You should probably go to your flat now. I don’t think Niall is staying here tonight.” She says quietly after a moment of silence and smiles a little when she pronounces Niall’s name with her American accent.

“Really? Late gig?” He asks surprised.

Liana frowns and something in her eyes flash with something he doesn’t recognize but she turns away before he can decide what it is. “Uh, yeah. Late gig and everything, he gets drunk and he knows I don’t like it when he does that.”

“Right.” He says and he knows something’s off but doesn’t say anything. “I’ll go and hang out with Liam and Zayn upstairs the-“

“No!” Liana yells and moves her hands wildly.

“Why not? They should be up by now.”

Liana bites her lip and nods. “Yeah, they are… They’re having sex! Yes! They’re having sex!”

Okay, so that’s gross. “How do you know? And why are you so happy about it?” He asks with a scrunched up nose.

“I- uhm- I mean, Niall- he texted me. Niall texted me and warned me about it.”

He narrows his eyes but lets it go. He’s too tired and has things to do and Liana is always weird. “Okay. I’ll just go the hospital then. I’ll see you later.”

Liana smiles something that looks like relief kisses his cheek before he walks out the door. “Tell Jay I’ll stop by after my shift.”

And so he’s on his way and files the conversation he just had under the ‘past things’ on his brain to never be touched or thought again.

***

Louis hates hospitals, always has and always will.

He hates the blank walls and the smell and the quietness and feelings of death that lingers around the halls. He hates the worry etched on every single face and the ghosts of people that are still alive, people that are sitting in the waiting room and the people that lay without the will to live on the worn out beds.

He tries and fails to tell himself that he’s not like them, that he doesn’t belong here. But he’s a ghost too and he feels more dead than alive.

When he was little and his mum used to work at the pediatrician ward he loved it here. It was big and wide and quiet and he felt the need to wreck the place up. He wanted to colour the walls and fill the hall with laughs and giggles and jokes and he wanted to make friends with anyone that spared him 5 seconds of their time. But he was only five and he thanks God he isn’t that kid anymore and that phase only lasted a week.

By the time he was 5 and a half his mum let him do rounds with her and he got to play with the sick children that had a deemed brightness in their eyes, so that’s how his need to make everything better and fix it all began.

When he was 5 his goal was to make the other kids laugh, make them forget they were sick and make himself forget about the blank space waiting outside the door to swallow him. And he used to like the hospital because the kids that are now faceless used to smile when he crossed the door and the nurses giggled at him but one morning he came running to the room 713 to find it empty and looking unused, like if his favorite kid, Aiden, didn’t even spend half his life laying on the bed that was now dressed in white sheets that made him sick.

His mum told him that sometimes kids got better and went home and other times they didn’t and God made them angels. His mum told him all bout heaven but it didn’t sound too appealing for him, it sounded like a hospital only without the smell of disinfectant and running nurses and stuck up doctors. It sounded blank and quiet and full of ghost of people that are still alive.

So he cried and begged his mum to take him to Aiden and her face turned sad and told him it wasn’t his time to go to heaven yet. That he was still alive and had a life ahead of him.

Now he’s dead and living in a hell.

When he crosses the automatic doors and sees the faces he used to greet with a polite smile he lets himself go on autopilot because he doesn’t need to pay attention to follow the odor of sickness and death and disinfectant, he doesn’t need to cringe when one of the beeping machines goes quiet when he passes the door and he doesn’t need to fake sympathy or pity because he knows it’s useless. Because he knows this hospital like the back of his hand and maybe he shouldn’t say that because he doesn’t even recognize his own hand anymore, his hand is tainted and smeared and blurred and marked by a ghost and he still feels it, he feels it all over his body. He feels his insides bleed and fight against the feeling like if there were pieces of glass crusted in his body.

When he steps away from the elevator that used to close in on him when he was 6 years old and the scent of disease and medicine and shame and sadness and hurt hits him but he doesn’t scrunch up his nose like he did when he was 6 because now the feeling is buried deep in his soul and rooted on his heart, crushing and choking and the feeling is a constant that’s more familiar than his own reflection.

He knows it more like he knows himself.

The feeling follows him and he carries it and cradles it like he’s done for the last 5 years, it’s the only thing that’s keeping him anchored and allows him to keep his sight straight and doesn’t distort it. The feeling keeps him firm on the shiny and squeaky floor. The feeling pushes him out of bed in the morning with the whisper of his name and the green and gold specks that haunt him and he can’t believe himself because he still looks for dimples and curls when he looks at people. The feeling keeps his ghost company.

Louis pushes the door of room 313 open and doesn’t gag like Zayn did and his eyes don’t water like Liam’s and his mouth doesn’t turn down like Niall’s did and he doesn’t pull at his hair like Anne did.

He just sighs, resigned. “Hi mum.”

His mum blinks her eyes open and he has to smile because her eyes haven’t lost their glimmer not even for a second. She has determination and Louis should learn from her. “Hi darling, you’re here early.” She comments with a smile that’s too bright for Louis’ darkness.

He tries to smile back because this is his mum and he knows how to keep his problems to himself, he’s good at it, so much that his mum doesn’t even notice how hard he tries to. “Liana kicked me out earlier. How are you feeling?”

Louis goes to grab a chair and sit by her bed side. He’s trying so hard not to look, not see how there’s only a shell left of his mother, how there’s only skin and bones; Nothing else. Every bone is visible and she looks so pale and there’s tubes entangled with her limbs and her hair is still there, only because she refused to chemotherapy.

_“I’m going to die anyways, why hurt myself more and my children?”_

She smiles softly at him, what happened yesterday still shows in her face and Louis doesn’t remember a time he was more scared than right now. “Understandable.” She teases. “I’m a little tired but I’m okay.”

He feels jealous of how easy it is for her to say it, she didn’t practice in front of a mirror in the middle of the night, she didn’t yell at her reflection that she was okay, she didn’t had to drink herself to sleep because her fucking monsters weren’t whispering her mistakes in her ear. And what is he even thinking? His mum is _dying_ for fuck’s sakes.

Louis just nods because he never knows what to say after she tells him she’s okay.

His mum sighs and closes her eyes, Louis hasn’t told anyone, but he fears that she will fall asleep around him and never wake up again. “Did you drop your sisters off?” She asks but doesn’t look at him.

“Yeah, they were really worried about you. I don’t know if someone told them something but Fizz was really upset.”

She opens her eyes at him again and smiles brightly; she doesn’t look so life less now. “Well, she’s just like her older brother.”

Louis scoffs but smiles anyways, even though it feels wrong. “Well, at least I wasn’t snapping at people or storming off or slamming doors or blasting music at 11 pm.”

“No, you just climbed off the window and ran to Harry’s room and not call or show your face for a week.”

He licks his lips and looks down, that wasn’t fair.

“And you were _fifteen._ Imagine if she did what you did when you were seventeen.”

He’d yell at her for bringing it up, but he doesn’t have the strength to do that. He doesn’t want to even acknowledge he was young and did the stuff he did.

His mum sighs again, this time it sounds like she’s wasting breath away, like she’s wasting a minute on him. “Lou, you can’t act like it didn’t happen, because it did and he was there for more than half of your life. He was your life, Louis.”

Louis swallows whatever it is that climbs up his throat whenever someone mentions his past and tries to say something coherent so his mum drops the subject. “Exactly mum, he _was_ my life. He’s gone and I’m here. That’s just how things are and just like I told Liana, I’m fine.”

“Are you?” She asks but not in a rude way or trying to pressure him, it’s with a worried tone, like she needs reassurance and Louis doesn’t know if he can give it to her.

He knows he’s okay. He’s fine. This is what he wanted. He’s not part of something big or important or the half that someone needs. He’s not part of something people look with fondness or hate, he’s not part of something that people want or wait for. He’s just Louis. And that’s what he wanted.

He wanted an apartment with void spaces where his demon’s things used to fill. He wanted frozen meals and cold tea. He wanted a hidden box in his closet where he keeps old things that remind him of his past, thing that he stole in the middle of the night before he left and things that were forgotten in his bed intentionally. He wanted an empty bed with one side made up after someone hasn’t laid there. He wanted a bottle of mango shampoo that he hasn’t touch in years. He wanted a worn out jumper that he sprays with perfume so he can sleep at least a little and he wanted to pout every night because things aren’t right.

He wanted to be fine. He’s fine.

“I’ll be fine mum.” And when he says it the words feel like poison that’s killing his mum even more, so he adds what he thinks is a reassuring smile to heal it.

What’s even stranger is that his words don’t faze his mother; she gives him the same smile, only that hers is real and with meaning. It freaks him out. “I know you will, baby.” She pats his hand and scratches his thumb the way she did when he was little and didn’t want to go to school. “And I know you’ll take good care of your sisters, I just worry you won’t have someone to help you out.”

He frowns. “What do you mean? I have Zayn and Liam and Niall and Liana. I even have Anne.”

“Zayn and Liam have each other and I’m sure Niall won’t let Liana go, she’s a blessing. And Anne won’t be here forever Lou, she has her children too.”

“Maybe I should adopt a cat.” He tries to joke because he might be just Louis and his jokes may not be the best but he at least can do those.

His mum laughs anyways and that’s why he loves her.”I don’t think a cat can do laundry or cook a meal for 5.” She jokes back.

“No, but Lottie can. So we should be able to survive for a couple of years.”

She just shakes her head with a smaller grin. “You know what I mean Louis.”

And yeah, he knows. But his time is running out and he couldn’t a fuck about it. He knows he should date and he even tried once when Niall arranged him a dinner with one of the clients of the café. Louis tried, he really did, because he was on one of his ‘I’m better without you’ phases (he’s not better without him) and he even dressed up and wore an ironed shirt and quiffed his hair and put on his contacts.

And the restaurant was nice, but he had been there before and okay, the guy didn’t know about that. It’s just that the guy’s eyes weren’t a shining green that left him breathless, his hair was straight not curly; he didn’t make awful jokes about giraffes, he didn’t laugh genuinely at him, he didn’t pull his chair or opened the door of his car, he didn’t share his slice of chocolate cake with him at dessert, and didn’t offer to watch a silly foreign movie after the date and he wasn’t Harry.

The guy didn’t show up at the café again. Louis didn’t blame him.

“I tried mum, you know how that went.” He mumbles and he hopes he can laugh at the memory one day, but now he just cringes.

“I didn’t say you should try with someone else.”

Louis look up and frowns, and no, he’s not doing this, he knows where this is going and he’s not going to follow this conversation because he has things to do and he won’t drop them just because his mum wanted to talk about Harry and Louis got out of bed today, he actually pushed the sheets away from his body and walked away and put on his mask. That should be enough.

“I’m not doing this mum, not now. Not ever.” He says with a tone that means to be firm but he feels how the last words turn out jagged.

“You need him.” She fights back and no, he’s not doing this.

“Stop saying that, I don’t- mum, I’m okay. He’s gone, why can’t anybody accept that.”

“Why can’t you accept that you need him?”

“Because I don’t.”

His mum sighs and shakes her head, her eyes start to water and they shouldn’t be having this conversation at all. Harry’s gone, he’s here. His mum is dying, he’s not. Nothing turned out they way he wanted and he blames stupid wide eyes full of love that choked him since he was a 7 fucking years old.

Louis tries to push the anger that’s making him see white spots crossing his sight, but maybe it’s just the too artificial light of his mum’s room.

When he blinks he finds his mum’s face with tear streaked tracks on her boney cheeks. He wills his own tears to not leave his eyes. “He is your everything, Lou.” She whispers with a strained voice and the words feel like the rusty old knife that’s buried deep in his heart just twisted a bit more and can blood be invisible?

And she’s wrong.

There was a time where Harry was his everything. Harry was his sun and his moon and his stars and the whole fucking galaxy. Harry was the fucking universe. Harry was his sky, his clouds, his air, his rain. Harry was the oceans and the desserts. Harry was the seasons of the year, the months, the weeks, the days and the hours and the minutes. Harry was all the ghosts that wouldn’t leave him alone, the ghosts that always loomed at his side that he got used to the shadow. Harry was his temple, his sanctuary, his shelter, his fucking home. Harry was his future. Harry was his life. Harry was _his_ , he didn’t have to share Harry with anybody, not even his family or the boys because every single bit of the boy was marked and belonged to Louis.

Harry was the cup of tea in the morning without fail and the midnight snack they used to sneak when they were so stupidly naïve. Harry was silly, complicated songs and the passenger seat of his car that was etched with giggles. Harry was mornings, afternoons and nights. Harry was vows and commitments and cross your heart. Harry was random tattoos with deep meaning and it seemed that every time he took Harry’s kit off and kissed the milky skin, a new tattoo appeared with the touch of his lips.

 Harry was the feeling of being young forever and believing everything was possible as long as they had each other. Harry was wishful thinking, pinky promises and shooting stars. Harry was silent prayers in the middle of the night, asking for everything to be this good the rest of their lives.

Harry was his good side. Now he’s just Louis.

And he doesn’t regret it. There isn’t a single ounce of regret in his blood. Not even for his past. He doesn’t regret the days that drag like centuries and certainly he doesn’t regret his nonexistent future. This is what he wanted.

And that’s what he tells his mother.

“I wanted this mum, I did this and I decided it. And I don’t regret it, so stop trying to convince me otherwise because it won’t happen. He’s not coming back and I didn’t go after him. That’s just how things are mum, sorry.”

He doesn’t feel anything when his mum nods with resign and he changes the topic like they were just talking about the weather.

He doesn’t feel anything when half the light left in his mum’s eyes goes away midmorning and he says he has things to do and leaves with a kiss on her forehead.

He doesn’t feel anything when he walks the corridors of the hospital for the millionth time and whatever it is that keeps him walking is stopped when’s taken aback when a something warm and solid won’t let him keep going.

He feels everything, like blows and needles and bee stings and paper cuts and blades cutting open his well hidden scars when he looks up and all he can see is green.

“Harry.” He breathes out and the air leaves his lungs.

Louis is not okay. He’s not fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave myself feels, don't look at me. somedayitscoming.tumblr.com


	6. Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers and I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, sorry for the late update, i got a bit grounded and i'm actually skipping class to post this because i'm a rebel so if this looks like shit it's because i don't know how to use the school's computer. chapter title is from gracious by ben howard

Louis always loved Harry; he never questioned or even gave it a second thought.

Harry was always there, whenever he looked over his shoulder Harry was smiling gently at him. When he was 10 and finally climbed the oak tree because Liam wasn’t there to stop him and Zayn dared him to do it, Harry’s eyes were nervous but he gave him a reassuring smile so that was all he needed. He ended up with a broken wrist but Harry didn’t left his side all the time he had to use a cast, so he counted that as a win.

That was the problem, that Harry was always there whether Louis wanted or not. He knew nothing but Harry. Harry was this blinding light that blocked anything wrong or any shadow or cloud that could bring him down. And they were just fucking kids, how was he supposed to know it wasn’t healthy to depend so much on a boy that only had smiles and stars in his eyes for him.

He couldn’t even spend a full day without him, they had to always be touching or at least around each other and one night he feared he was going to die if he didn’t had Harry with him. His mum smiled fondly at him the next morning when he confessed his fear and she just shook her head and said it was called separation anxiety, she said it like it was the most common thing in the world.

She never thought it would be a problem when they grew up and Louis wishes he could go back and tell his mum her fond smiles wouldn’t help at all.

Sometimes when Louis lays in his bed paralyzed by the coldness and emptiness and the soul crushing fear of never being more than just used pieces that Harry didn’t want takes over his body and the darkness that swallows him whole is too much to bear so he goes back to the days when everything was sunshine and dimples and red lips that tasted like strawberry and he remembers why the thought of stopping this train that was meant to run off its tracks never crossed his mind. He was happy, why would he care if they went up in flames or the train crashed with the real world if he had this boy wrapped in his arms and smiling at him like he was the most beautiful and wonderful thing in the world?

He didn’t care, that was his first mistake that set their wrecked train for failure.

Louis was fourteen when he really saw Harry.

They were doing absolutely nothing, just lying on the grass of the park and letting the rare sun bathe their skin.

He saw a twelve year old that broke all his bones and then made them up with careful touches and stupid giggles and Louis couldn’t be more enamoured by the sight of Harry rolling on the grass of the park with laughter that echoed in his ears and filled his blood stream, making Louis feel the buzz on his veins. Harry was laughing at something stupid Louis said, and it probably wasn’t that funny but Harry always laughed no matter how pathetic his joke was and Louis couldn’t love the boy more.

He turned his head to his side and almost went blind and ready to catch on fire because Harry was glowing. The sunshine looked like a halo on him and it was like he was one of the Gods from Hercules. And did Louis just compare Harry to a Disney movie? He really needed to stop hanging out with his sisters so much.

Fuck it, Harry looked like the sun itself, with his dimples and screwed shut eyes and that horrible bark laugh that shouldn’t be so cute and Louis though Oh, okay. I already loved him and I’m already his.

Harry fixed his eyes on him with his stupid penis nose and his stupid big eyes and his stupid mouth and to this day, the best decision Louis Tomlinson made was shut Harry up and save him the trouble by doing the most logical thing he could come up with. He kissed him.

The instant he touched the boy his nerves were short cutting and his blood was heating up making him warm all over. And maybe he was imagining stuff but Harry was kissing him back and if Louis wasn’t so busy he could be doing cartwheels right now.

It just felt so bloody right that Louis wanted to punch Harry for not looking like an angel before. It would have saved him a couple of awkward snogs with girls. Because this felt so familiar and easy and so lovely and of course it was Harry, it was always Harry. Harry gave as much as he took and where did this fucking twelve year old learned to kiss so bloody good?

“Where did you learn to kiss?” He asked as soon as he pulled back and he almost dived back in again when Harry blinked up at him slowly with blown out shiny eyes and red bitten lips.

“I watch Grey’s Anatomy with Gem.”

“Is that supposed to be normal or…”

Harry laughed again and pushed his shoulder softly. “That’s so fucking disgusting William.”

“Oh, the middle name. I see how it is.” Louis made a show of pushing Harry away with an offended scoff but he couldn’t help the grin that was hurting his cheeks when Harry pulled him back by his hand and he flopped on top of Harry. Louis rested his forearms on the grass and smiled warmly at Harry with their foreheads pressed together.

And maybe Louis should have thought first about things getting awkward with him but he always did things first and then worried about them later and maybe he shouldn’t worry by the way he was looking at him with stars marveling at him and no, there was no way things could get bad with Harry, they were too tangled and mixed up to let that happen.

“Wait! Am I your first kiss Curly?” The smug smile on his face made Harry roll his eyes and that was all the answers he needed. “I am!” He squealed loudly.

Louis could swim the whole Pacific Ocean if he knew where that was. Louis wanted to yell in everyone’s faces he was Harry Styles’ first kiss and just knowing he had one more little part of him made his insides expand and everything hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt that he knew he’d be addicted in no time.

Harry slapped the back of his head. “Shut up. I think you just rapped me or something.”

“Lucky me.”

“Oh my God.”

“You love me.”

“It’s not like I have a choice, you dick.”

“Always the romantic one, aren’t you Harry?”

Harry giggled and gripped the hairs on the back of his neck. And there was the look again, the one that made his breath catch and left him dizzy. Louis wondered if Harry would look at him like that all the time so he could prepare to be short of air for the rest of his life.

“I’m glad you got your head out of your ass and kissed me.” He whispered the words like if it was a deep secret no one should ever hear.

Harry really needed to stop doing this shit that left him breathless.

“I’m glad I got my head out of my ass too.” He said with a strained voice and a smile that made him look crazy.

***

“I thought you guys were together since Harry was five.” Liam said with a confused frown and yeah, okay, he saw that coming.  
Harry chuckled and stole his bag of crisps. Louis wanted to glare at him but he was pretty sure hearts came out of his eyes instead. It was pretty exasperating.

A few weeks passed with a lot of sleepovers and secret kisses underneath power rangers’ duvets and holding hands under the table at dinner with their mums and sisters and Louis was fucking flying in happiness.

That was until Liam caught them under the oak tree and blushed and did the typical Liam thing he did and apologized purposefully.

Harry thought it be a good idea to tell them after Liam refused to look at them in the eyes without blushing to the neck for a week straight.So Harry arranged a ‘meeting’ at the park by the slides and sat the three boys down on the grass. Louis thought they could do a better use of their time, like kissing on his bed and have his house to themselves because his mum left to work and Anne had his sisters. Harry said his idea was better and that they had to do this. Louis called Harry stupid. Harry rolled his eyes and told him this was important.

It wasn’t. The boys were dickheads.

Zayn rolled his eyes in annoyance and he obviously thought this was stupid and unnecessary just like Louis did but then he gave a laughing Niall his allowance.

“I bet Zayn you were going to realize your undying love for Harry before we were fifteen. Zayn said it wasn’t going to happen until you were 30 and married with 2 children and Harry was an alcoholic that sang songs about unrequired love across the bars and pubs of the country.” Niall explained with a smile and Harry cringed by his side with a scowl. That was a rather disturbing image.

Dick heads.

Liam smiled at them and Zayn patted their cheeks before saying under his breath that he missed his nap over this shit, Louis agreed while Niall thank them for the 45 dollars they just gave him. Harry thought it went well and they had the boys blessing to snog whenever they wanted. It’s not like Louis was going to ask for permission anyways.

Everything was so fucking good after that and he didn’t mind when Zayn wiggled his eyebrows at him when Harry pecked his jaw because he was busy constantly reminding himself to take a breath to stop the spinning of his head that was a never ending stream of Harry’s name.

It was all a haze of green and red and sunlight and secret giggles and kissing.

Later that night, Anne let him stay over and they were lying on Harry’s tiny bed and Louis was fourteen and he wasn’t sure what love was but looking at Harry and seeing everything he ever wanted but had no idea he needed it he realized that if this was love, he could live with it for the rest of his life.

They were both ready to fall asleep. Louis with his eyes closed and a hand on Harry’s head with his nails scratching his scalp to lull him. The silence was enveloping like a warm blanket and Louis felt like the smile that always made its way to his lips during the day wouldn’t leave even in his sleep.

“Lou?” Harry asked timidly and poked his arm like when they were on public and Harry wanted all of Louis’ attention on him but he didn’t want to look clingy, so he asked quietly. “Lou, are you sleeping?”

“Yes.” Louis mumbled against his pillow without opening his eyes.

“Louu” Harry whined and Louis could feel the pout on his voice.

“Don’t pout. ‘S not fair.”

“I need to ask you something.”

Louis sighed dramatically but opened his eyes. He tried to hold in his sigh when he realized he really needed to stop smiling so much if he didn’t want to look like his Grandpa by the time he was 20. “What is it, young Harold?”

Harry bit the inside of his cheek and directed his sight down, the moon light casting shadows on his face, making his features look so enchanting if it wasn’t for the frown tugging his eyebrows downwards and Louis wanted to kiss it away.

He looked like a grumpy kitten.

Louis needed to stop comparing Harry to Disney movies and animals. Louis needed to do a lot of things he didn’t want to do.  
“Spill it out, kid.” He prompted with a reassuring whisper and pulled his curls for good measure.

“I- just. This is-, this thing we’re doing. It’s for the long run, right? Like, it’s just you and me. Nobody else right, just you and me?”

Harry’s words were vague and confusing but he need exactly what he meant, he knew this boy from inside to outside and he got the message pretty clearly. Louis wanted to jump out of bed and thank whoever was up there for giving him this oh so fucking wonderful boy.

“Unless you don’t want to, like, if you wanna kiss anyone else, like not me. That’s cool too, I’m not like, you know-“

He smiled knowingly at Harry and the blush staining his pale skin was so pretty even in the darkness. “Harry… are you saying you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Harry sighed in relief. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, you’re asking me to be your boyfriend or yeah, you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Louis was nothing if he couldn’t tease Harry when they were having the most important moment of their lives.

Harry huffed but he was smiling again and fuck, he was way gone for this kid.

“Both.” Harry said confidently.

Louis was a weak man so he pecked Harry’s nose. “Okay, I can be your boyfriend and you can be my boyfriend, alright? Is that okay with you?”

Harry nodded and cuddled closer to him, smiling quietly at how stupid Louis was. “But this is for like, a very long time, yeah?” He saw up at him with his green eyes full of hope. This kid was trying to kill him.

Even if Louis wanted to say no, he couldn’t, no to that face. Louis was fucked. “As long as you want me, Curly.”

“I’m glad you got your head out of your ass before you were 30 and married with two children.” Harry whispered with a playful smile and was it normal that he wanted to kiss him all the time?

Louis grinned. “I’m glad I got my head out of my ass before you turned in to an alcoholic that sang songs about unrequired love across the bars of the country.”

They both laughed softly and Harry curled himself around him, making his body fit perfectly with Louis when he wrapped his hands around Harry’s back and let him nuzzle his head against the curve of his neck, causing shivers to run from the base of his spine to skull when Harry’s warm breath hit his throat. Every bit and nook seemed to match and Harry sighed contently as he let his eyes drop closed with his eyelashes brushing Louis’ skin.

Louis didn’t understand a lot of things, such as the way Harry marked all of Louis’ bones with his red demanding lips that left a lingering buzz on him wherever Harry warmed with his mouth or the way Harry had everything that made him harry on display for everyone to see through his eyes nut the only one that was allowed to touch and take as much as he wanted and pleased was Louis. He didn’t comprehend the feeling of being in love or the relentless need of just sensing Harry by his side was overwhelming and it made him think that he could never leave Harry and they were just kids but he already knew they were going to be in each other’s live for a long time. He didn’t know how people claimed to love unconditionally and then change their mind and get a divorce or split apart and were able to go on with their lives in different cities without feeling like a big part of them was missing. Louis could barely handle school without Harry, let alone the rest of his life. He felt pity for those that liked to pretend that nothing ever happened.

He’s 25 now and he still doesn’t understand it.

“It’s always going to be you and me for a very long time.” He whispered against Harry’s closed eye lids.

 

***

Louis was twenty the last time he saw Harry.

And the kid still looked like a fucking angel with his closed eyes and soft snores.

Harry was sleeping on their bed and the sun coming from the curtain made him look so peaceful and innocent and quiet. Louis would have believed the illusion if it wasn’t for the red bruises covering his neck that Louis himself left there. His sweaty curls were plastered to the white pillow case, his shoulder blades had nail marks, his lips were an obscene shade of red and his naked body that could go on for ages was barely sheltered by their thin sheet.

He was the most beautiful thing Louis had laid eyes on.

But this boy, this man standing in front of his with desperation adorning his expression looked nothing like Louis’ Harry. This one was taller and with shorter hair and his eyes were a diluted version of the shiny green that haunted Louis so much. The paleness of his skin contrasted harshly against the dark bruises under his eyes, his shoulders were sagged like if he was holding the weight of the world on them and Louis almost sobbed at the sight because he still looked so beautiful.

Almost.

He didn’t know why but just seeing him standing there triggered something in Louis brain and all he wanted was to scream and yell and fight and brake and hurt but he was frozen on his place and his body wouldn’t respond to the need he had to run and don’t look back.

He needed a way out, he needed to get away from here and hide and possibly swallow a whole bottle of pills. The problem was that he couldn’t take his eyes away from Harry.

Fuck, this is Harry.

“Lou.” Harry whispers and reaches out to touch him.

Louis takes a step back on instinct with wide eyes but says nothing, he’s pretty sure this is a nightmare; he’s had this dream hundreds of times. So this isn’t real, Harry didn’t just rose his arm, Harry didn’t just say his name with a hoarse voice that didn’t fit him but still made Louis’ entire brain shut down and his heart to leap on his throat. This isn’t happening.

“Lou.” Harry says again with something he recognizes as pain and all Louis can think of is good, I’m glad it hurts you too. “Louis.” Harry tries one more time to touch him but no, that’s not going to happen.

“No!” Louis yells out of nowhere and takes a step forward with his hand balled in fists by his sides.

The nurses lounging on their station turn to look at him with warnings but Louis couldn’t give a fuck, not right now.

“Louis, stop.” Harry whispers and lowers his eyes and how can he be so fucking calm about this? How can he tell him what to do?

“No!” Louis yells in his face and anger starts to fill his finger tips and spread around his body, making him see red on the edges. “Don’t even dare!”

Harry flinches and looks up at him with blood shot eyes. “I’m not doing anything.” He murmurs.

And of course he’s not doing anything, he never did.

Louis doesn’t know what gets in to him and as soon as he spits the words out he wants to take them back and hide them, but he still says is. “Fuck you!” He just wants something to hurt and shatter, anything he can get his hands on.

“Sir, I’m going to ask you to leave.” A petite blonde nurse shows up at his side and grabs his forearm, her tone is gentle but firm and for a second Louis feels bad about making a scene in the hospital, but then Harry opens his mouth again.

“Louis, just calm down, please. Let me explain you, just listen to me please.”

“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say! Why are you even here in the first place?!”

“Sir.”

“The boys-“

“The boys?” Louis asks in disbelief and of fucking course they had something to do with this shit. “Fucking bastards.” He mutters under his breath.

The nurse widens her eyes and glares at him but Louis doesn’t have the capacity to this anymore, he just can’t.

“Louis, let’s just-“

“No!” He growls out.

“I’m calling security if you don’t calm down.” The nurse says with defiance in her tone.

Louis would be glad to fight her and security, but he just needs to get away from here.

He pulls away from her grasp and steps as far as possible from them. “I’m leaving.” He replies with narrowed eyes.

Harry reaches out to stop him but Louis evades him quickly and the movement makes him sick.

“Get away from me.” He warns darkly before walking towards the elevator.

He doesn’t look back to see the way Harry sinks to the floor and rest his head against the wall, he’s too busy trying to stop the shrinking of his lungs and gasp for the air he’s missing, the automatic door that will lead him out keep getting further away from him and all he can hear in his head is everything Harry said to him when they were so entwined with each other.

When he finally gets out of the hospital he sighs with relief and he’s not sure if his face is wet because of the rain or his tears, everything is just flooding back to him and flashing in front of his eyes and it’s just too fucking much to handle and it’s chocking him and he’s not sure how many times a person can die while being alive.

Every inch of his body is covered by goose bumps and his insides are telling him to go back, to say he’s sorry, that he misses Harry, that he was wrong and he should stay but he can’t, he just can’t do it. He just wants to wake up from this nightmare.  
He doesn’t even know what he’s doing anymore.

To be honest he has no idea how he makes it to his flat without crashing his car or jumping out of it because the endless chatter on his ears whispering Harry is back, Harry is here, Harry is back home is driving him crazy and the annoying ringing of his phone won’t shut up and he knows he’s bound to explode any second now.

Louis doesn’t know what he expected when he opened the door of his apartment and he’s met by Liam, Zayn, Niall and Liana perched on his couch with sad worried looks, he can feel the guilt radiating from them and hitting him like waves and Louis knows this is all their fault, it’s because of them everything went to shit in a matter of seconds.

“You knew.” He says with venom injected on his voice.

Liam sighs and hangs his head between his forearms, that’s all Louis needs to know it was them who brought Harry back. “I’m sorry, Lou.”

Louis gasps and feels so incredibly mad and rage is starting to blur his vision and how fucking could they? “You fucking knew and you didn’t tell me! Why!?”

Liam and Liana tense and Zayn fix him a look that he knows too well as the one that tells him to get his shit together and stop his tantrum. Louis has every right to do this, whether they like it or not.

Niall fidgets with his fingers and looks at him with regret. “He didn’t want us to tell you. He wasn’t even planning on seeing you because he knew you’d get like this.”

Louis scoffs. “Right, because he fucking knows me doesn’t he?”

“He was right.” Zayn mumbles with a smirk. Louis could punch him.

“I don’t give a fuck about what he said! You should have told me he was coming! What kind of fucking friends are you? You send him to where I was! Why would you fucking do that!? You!” He points at Liana accusingly. “You fucking knew I was at the fucking hospital, Liana! Why would you do that?”

“I didn’t even know he was going.” She says with a teary voice and Niall glares at him. “Louis, I would have never done that, you know it.”

Louis can’t believe they think he’s stupid enough to accept that as a truth. “Why is he even back in the first place!?”

“He wanted to see your mum, and she wanted to see him.” Liam replies composed.

He frowns at that. “He wanted to see my mum? My mum? Really? What gives him the right to even consider seeing my mum? Where was he when Lottie found her passed out in the kitchen? Where was he when she almost crashed her car with the twins inside? Where was he when I had to admit her to the hospital because she could barely breathe on her on? Where the fuck was he!?”

“You told him to leave, Louis.” Niall whispers and it’s barely audible but Louis catches it anyways.

Apparently today is the official day to piss Louis off.

“You don’t even know what happened! You weren’t there, were you? You have no fucking clue so shut the fuck up Niall; you don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

Zayn stands on his feet and blocks Louis from the others, Louis should probably be thankful that Zayn knows at least half as well as he knows himself, and that’s saying a lot but he’s too pissed to do that so he just levels the same look the dark boy is giving him.

“Listen mate, you’re not thinking straight and I know you’re mad but if you don’t shut up we won’t explain anything, alright?”

“I’m not a fucking child!”

“Well, then stop acting like one.”

“Fuck off, Zayn!” He yells and steps in his space, so close he can feel his raged breath hitting Zayn’s skin.

Liam frowns. “Louis.” He admonishes carefully.

This isn’t fair, they’re all against him and pretending they didn’t betrayed him half hour ago.

Zayn shakes his head at Liam over his shoulder. “’S okay, he just needs to get it out of his system.”

This is unbelievable.

“C’mon mate, we’re going out.” He says as he pushes a jacket to his chest and points to the door with a nod.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Louis grumbles. He’s fucking dreaming if he thinks he’s ever going to speak to him again.

Zayn rolls his eyes and waves him off. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

“I said I’m not fucking going!”

He just sighs and shrugs his jacket on. “Look, either you come with me or I knock you out or I call Harry, I’m sure he’d be glad to stop by and check his old flat, innit? I’m good with the three options.

And just like that, just the mention of Harry’s name, just the thought of feeling helpless, of seeing his eyes of feeling the tug that’s always pulling him towards Harry is enough to scare him so badly and his determination and anger is gone in a blink of an eye, leaving him with a feeling of unsafe that makes him stomach clench to the point he feels like he’s going to pass out any second now. He’s done already.

“I just want to go to bed.” He whispers to the floor and his throat is getting raspy from all the yelling. When he looks down he’s met by the old ugly carpet Harry picked when they just moved in 6 years ago and he can hear Harry’s voice telling him all the wonders of the carpet and all Louis could see was an ugly piece of cloth that was meant to get dirty. He wants to vomit and knows he won’t be able to stand one more minute on this place filled with ghosts.

Zayn nods and wraps him in a tight hug, cradling the base of his neck so he can place Louis’ head on the curve between his neck and his shoulder.

Every instinct in Louis’ body is telling him that this is wrong, that his body doesn’t fit to Zayn’s, that they weren’t meant to slot in together the way his bones used to click in with Harry’s, and Louis knows he’s being pathetic, that’s the reason he’s so upset, because he can even accept a hug of his friend without comparing it to Harry.

“I know, Lou.” His friend murmurs in his ear calmly. “I just think you shouldn’t be here right now, yeah? You can stay in my old room for the night.”

All Louis can manage is a simple nod and untangling himself from Zayn without a word. He turns towards the door and doesn’t meet anybody’s eyes, no after the shit he just said. But he can’t apologize either.

“’M sorry.” Louis whispers as Zayn pushes him out of the flat gently and Louis leans on his side.

Zayn dismisses him with a shake of his head. “We’re sorry too, should have been more careful, I hope you know we didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He knows, he just can’t think straight at the moment and the others know better than to push things or try to fix the mess that Louis made years ago and somehow Louis can still feel the comfort they’re trying to give him quietly, it peaces Louis a bit, but he still can’t do this right now.

When they get to Zayn and Liam’s apartment silently Louis makes his way to Niall’s room, but Zayn stops him.

“No” He says with worried eyes. “Harry- he, his stuff are there. He slept here last night.”

Louis wants to leave this town as fast as possible.

“My old room still has the single bed; I’ll just get you some blankets.”

He tries to talk but the lump on his throat won’t let him.

“Advil too?” Zayn asks from the kitchen.

Louis just nods with what he thinks is a grateful smile. He walks to the kitchen because he needs to make himself useful or else he’s going to do something stupid and the moment he steps inside he tries so hard to not break down because he knows that smell to well and he missed it so much it’s too overpowering for him to grip on himself. He doesn’t doubt Zayn that Harry was here, It smells like eggs on toast that Harry used to make for him in the mornings before he went to school and leaved with a kiss on Louis’ temple and a cheeky wink that wished him good luck. Louis would it the toast and listen to Harry’s stupid playlist of hipster shit while he got ready to hop on a train to London and give his soul out for auditions that never called him back.

Zayn seems to notice the panicked look he’s trying to hide and quickly puts the burned pan away and passes him a cup of water with a pill on the side.

Louis swallows it wordlessly and moves away as fast as he can.

He tries so hard to take his mind away from the fact that Harry’s things are just across the hall, that Harry could be coming in any minute now and Louis would have to face him again. He tries so hard to push the feeling of giddiness that’s telling him that this is good, that this is his last chance but he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t Harry, he just wants to be fine. He was fine.

The file on the back of his brain called ‘past’ that was supposed to be locked is opening and swirling around the room making him lightheaded with too many emotions and memories and he can’t control it anymore, he can’t stop it and it’s so fucking terrifying. It feels so scary like when Harry looked at him with promises of a future when they were just children playing with fire, with something they had no idea would hurt so much after it burned out.

Louis wants to tear apart every inch of his flesh that was marked and distorted by Harry, he wants to rip away his skin and crush his bones and stab his own heart until he can be his own person again, not something Harry ruined and forgot to place together again.

It feels like their first kiss and the last one and how empty and shallow he felt if Harry wasn’t there with him and he doesn’t want this, he never did, he was over it.

He doesn’t know when he started crying or shouting but Zayn shows up and holds him tight and lets him cry and curse and yell at whatever or whoever is up there that thought it be a good idea to do this to him, to bring his past back when he almost lost his mother just the day before.

That night he dreams of green dimed eyes trying to reach out for him and Louis doesn’t know if he wants to reach out too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry? but thanks for reading xx  
> somedayitscoming.tumblr.com


	7. Eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry it took me so long to update, i was just so busy with school and i really didn't want to write this chapter but it's done and now i can move on yay! also, i'm looking for a beta again :( and i tried to proof read this as many times as possible but i'm sure there's still some mistakes so if you know or are a beta please let me know :) anyways, here it is x

Living without Louis was like carrying a dead weight with you, like carrying a corpse of your past wherever you went. The weight was so heavy that it crushed you like a wall of bricks falling on you, leaving you bleeding and with broken bones and wounds that will never heal.

Living without Louis was like drowning, constantly gasping for air, for oxygen but he couldn’t get suffocated enough to die, forever anchored to the bottom of the sea, only being able to reach his hand out of the water for someone to get him out. For Louis to haul him out and bring air back to his lungs, it’s just that Louis never saved him now.

Harry doesn’t like to admit it but he knows that leaving Doncaster was the best thing he could have done. He knows he wouldn’t have been able to watch the way Louis was going tear down and brake apart everything Harry built for them so carefully throughout their lives and he knows he’s a coward for not staying and putting the pieces back together, for not fighting Louis. He’s a coward because he gave in to what Louis wanted him to do so he could prove Harry was wrong for once. But things would have gotten worse if he stayed, Louis would have resented him and blamed him and pushed him away and in the end, that’s exactly what Louis did. And Harry hates himself for not being able to do the one thing everyone knew he could do, he was just scared to do it.

And he doesn’t like to admit it but London became a bit of a getaway for him. Even with its darkness and loudness and the endless stream of people that had a void in their eyes just like Harry but that was the beauty of London, it kept him numb and allowed the voices in his head to go down until the city grew quiet and left Harry alone with his demons of memories that couldn’t be real anymore.

Unlike Doncaster, London made him feel anesthetized and he knew that as soon as he set foot in Doncaster the feeling will go away and he’d have to deal with a hurtful reality. Almost as if the town was covered in sharp glass waiting to cut him open and make new scars by the ones that still couldn’t heal on their own. Not that Harry wanted the wounds to get completely closed.

He knew what he was doing here, he knew why he was here and it wasn’t only because he wanted to see Jay and say goodbye properly. He vowed to never come back until Louis said so but Harry was a fucking impatient child and he knew this will go to shit but he still let his mum book a train ticket for him.

When he saw Louis at the hospital he didn’t recognize him at first, he saw a broken man with his head hung low and his hands forming fists and he looked like he was sinking in his own head. When he realized that the broken man was Louis he had to hold in a sob.

Harry should have expected it, really. But it still punched the air out of his stomach when he noticed Louis was actually walking towards him and that if Harry didn’t move they were going to crash. And Harry should have taken a turn to his left or let Louis walk past him but he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t take his eyes away from him, he couldn’t stop his feet, he couldn’t stop the racing of his heart beat and he certainly didn’t want to stop the crash.

Not only was he a coward, but a selfish fucker too. He knew the way Louis was going to react, he knew he was putting a whole new weight on his own corpse, let alone Louis’ but he craved to know if Louis still fitted his body like they did all those years Harry kept growing taller but still found his spaces filling Louis’. He wanted to feel the solidness and the warmth and the razor-sharp sting that let him know this was real, that he wasn’t crazy and that Louis was still real and not a figment of his imagination.

And before Harry knew or had time to prepare himself, they were colliding again.

Louis’ eyes looked at him and Harry saw his emotions so clearly and the way they swam across his orbs. He saw how the blue changed to different shades, from confusion to recognition to panic and finally anger. Pure and raw anger directed at Harry that he could pass out just from the sight.

Still, it took every ounce of strength left in his body to restrain himself from taking Louis in his arms and whisper apologies to his neck and kiss the violet bruises under his eyes. He had to stop himself from opening his mouth and make promises he couldn’t keep.

Everything inside of him just ached to touch Louis, he ached so much he started to feel breathless again just like when they were younger and full of pointless hopes and it’s like a junkie getting his first fix after a very long time of abstinence and withdrawals. The pain of Louis’ mere presence is making him feel alive once more and he doesn’t like to admit it but maybe he was hopeful for this.

He came back for this.

Harry is pretty fucked up when he realized he felt relief washing over his body when Louis started yelling at him and all he could think of was that at least he acknowledged his existence.

Harry’s pathetic, he’s a worthless fucked up piece of shit that was glad Louis unloaded his problems on him, the way he did when his parents were divorcing and Louis was confused and Mark left them. Louis would tap his window in the middle of the night and fit himself around Harry like he always did and his fingers would find the little curl that Louis loved and he’d tug his hair while he talked and Harry just kissed his forehead and let him sleep. They were younger, so Louis didn’t scream in his face to fuck off. Harry’s really pathetic for believing things are still natural between them even when they’re fighting.

_You’re a fucking asshole, how can you still love him?_

Everything in his life, since he was five, revolved around Louis and it still does. And he’s used to it. He’s used to the fear of being swallowed by darkness when everything was blinding sunshine before, he’s used to coldness and quietness and emptiness.

He’s nothing but the only thing Louis took the time to build and ensemble carefully, he can’t even do his favourite thing without wondering what Louis would think. He can’t even take pictures anymore without going back to the time Harry turned fifteen and Louis gave him his first camera, a fucking disposable Kodak he bought at the market for 2 dollars but Harry couldn’t love it more and of course Louis had to give him that too. And maybe it’s not his fault completely, maybe Louis had something to do too because he was the one that got Harry into photography, before that, Harry was content with just spending all his free time out of school with Louis and the boys.

But Louis told him he was good when they developed Harry’s first pictures and somehow made Harry fall in love with the concept of taking a picture.

_“It’s like stopping time Haz, you know, like keeping all the good things trapped forever with you and making time stop so you can look back at it. So you can keep the good things forever.”_

It was the most poetic thing that ever came out of Louis’ mouth so of course Harry gave it a shot and before he knew what he was doing, he was about to graduate and he started filling out applications for Uni and scholarships because once Louis told him he was going to be an amazing photographer and they could travel the world and Louis would be his muse so he thought that maybe doing that would make Louis happy and proud of him.

He was wrong. Louis wasn’t happy when they got a letter on their mail from the University of London.

“Baby?” He hears a faint voice calling out for him, it makes him snap out of his thoughts and he remembers he’s crying on the floor of a fucking hospital. This is fucking great.

He turns his head to the voice and his hearts stops a little when he sees his mum standing a foot away from him with worried eyes and bags under them and really, Harry could start crying again.

 “Baby, are you okay?” She asks and steps closer to him once he stands up and tries to wipe the tears out of his cheeks, there’s really no point on hiding things from his mother other than piss her off, so he might as well get this over with and go back to London.

Harry tries to smile for the sake of his mum but he knows its shit so he just nods and takes her in his arms. He feels like a kid again, back when he could fit on his mum’s lap and hide his face on her neck and let her sooth his hair while she rocked him and cooed because he was just a scared little boy and sometimes Louis couldn’t fix everything. He feels like that again, only that this time he has to fold himself to hide away behind his mum but at least she still oozes the same warmth and her voice is still the same sweet tone that always manages to calm him down. At least he can still have this.

She sighs against his curls and cradles his neck so she can press kisses to the top of his head, Harry can feel the worry making the reels on his mum’s brain go crazy and he feels even shittier. “Oh, Harry. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay. Did you saw Jay?”

Oh

Fuck, he still has to see Jay. This day keeps getting better.

“I, no, I didn’t- I haven’t seen her.”

She pulls her top part of her body away from his chest and looks at him in the eye and yeah, he can see the moment his mum realizes why he’s crying. He doesn’t know if he should be scared or grateful for his mum’s sixth sense.

Her eyes go even sadder and Harry can feel the pity hitting him like waves and this is exactly what he didn’t want. She seems to struggle with her words; it makes Harry want to roll his eyes because even his own mother thinks he’s this fragile little thing that can’t bear the sound of Louis’ name.

“Yes, I saw him.” He croaks out and steps out of his mother’s arms, the second he does it the cold air from the hospital takes over the affection, it leaves him like he’s bare and split open for anyone passing by to see his demons and his scars and how rotten he is because he was a coward child.

His mum doesn’t help with her looks and lip twitching. “I’m so sorry Harry; I don’t know who was in charge of him today. I stayed with Jay last night and I totally forgot he comes here in the mornings before work, I’m so sorry darling, you know this isn’t the way I wanted you to meet him again.”

Meet him again?

“What? You wanted us to meet again? No, mum, I told you I didn’t want that. He obviously doesn’t want that by the way he yelled in my face to fuck off.”

She seems surprised by the last part of his sentence and really, how naïve is his mum? “He said that?”

Harry scoffs. “Yeah, he said that. Mum, why am I here? I’m clearly not wanted here.”

She frowns and lays her hand on his cheek forcing her eyes on his. “Don’t say that Harry, of course you’re wanted here. You’re even _needed,_ even if Louis doesn’t want to admit it.”

He shakes his head and fights back the tears that want to make him look like a scared child.

“I’m sorry.” His mum mutters. “You know I’d never make you do something if you’re not ready for it.”

This time he nods, because yeah, he knows his mum wouldn’t do it but that doesn’t mean the little tiny part inside his heart telling him she started it all by moving them to Doncaster when he was little is going to shut up soon. It’s not like she knew this was going to happen.

“You want to see Jay?” She asks quietly and he hates the tone everyone uses like if they were afraid he was going to burst into tiny pieces. To be honest, there are not enough pieces of him to burst left.

He wants to say no. But that’s the reason he’s here, isn’t it? Seeing Jay was the reason he risked everything, including the little breath of sanity he somehow still owned. “Sure.”

“Just because we’re seeing Jay doesn’t mean we’re done talking Harry, you have a lot to explain and it’s time you tell me what happened and how it was so awful that made my son run off  to a different city.” She’s hurting; it’s pretty evident by the way her grip on his arm feels deadly and ready to fight him if he tries to walk away.

He doesn’t say anything and lets her guide him to the room he guesses Jay’s in.

***

Harry can’t help the gasp that leaves his lungs when he sees Jay because he thought she died before he could say goodbye. She looks dead already and Harry doesn’t know how his mum isn’t breaking down as soon as they step inside the room. He almost passes out, if it wasn’t for the weak and spaced beeps coming from Jay’s side and how his mum moves quietly around the room. He stays frozen on the door frame, too afraid to breathe and make the machine that registers the faint heart beats go silent.

His mum doesn’t notice his panic because she’s too busy checking what appears to be Jay’s chart and by the look and the long suffering sigh, things don’t seem to be good.

The room is too sharp for the fragile body of Jay, the light is too artificial and it makes her seem so _pale_ and so far away from the image Harry had from the last time he saw her. His heart stalls a little when he notices the banner facing the bed. _We love you!!!_ is written in bold pink letters and glitter and a family picture full of smiling girls and proud mums and happy brothers is hanging crookedly from one of the corners. He knows he took that picture, one of the last ones.

“Harry?” A hoarse but feeble voice breaks the stillness of the room and Harry wants to flee the Earth if possible.

He spins a bit and finds a pair of blue eyes that resemble Louis’, it’s just that these ones look tired and resigned. “Hi.” He breathes out from god knows where.

The smile that Jay gives him knocks the wind out of him and all he can feel is shame. Shame for leaving, shame for coming back, shame for not coming back before but most of all, he feels ashamed of himself because while he was away living the dream and wallowing in self pity, Jay was fighting for her life.

“Well, what are you doing standing there? C’mere and give me a hug, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” That’s because she hasn’t. Her voice is so cheerful and _happy_ just from seeing him. Puking would help Harry feel better.

His mum looks at him with a sad smile and he shuffles his feet to the side of the bed, he reckons standing there awkwardly with his hands behinds his back would do but Jay pulls him in or more like tugs him a little because she doesn’t have the strength to actually pull him. Either way he ends up on Jay’s arms and it’s just like if his mother is holding him again.

“I’m going to go call Gemma and see when she’s coming home; I’ll be back in a bit.” He doesn’t see his mum leave the room with teary eyes.

Jay smiles at him like if he just came home from war and brushes his hair out of his eyes when she pulls back tells him to sit. “Look at you, you’re so tall know. You must be taller than me by now.”

His smile comes more easily than he thought. “I was taller than you before I turned 18.”

“No, you weren’t, shush.” She swats his hand playfully. “Is London treating you okay?”

He hates that question a lot, he really does. He never knows what to answer because he knows people expect him to say London is the best thing that happened to him because he basically left the best thing that happened to him in Doncaster on a worn out bed and dirty sheets.

Harry tries to paste a smile that at least matches Jay’s just for the sake of making his lame response a bit less stupid. “Yeah. London is... loud. And crowded.”

Harry is a master in this shit.

Jay laughs and shakes her head because to her this is typical Harry being a dumb shit but she doesn’t know the silent words that go along with crowded and loud, like _it’s so loud it gives me a headache as soon as I wake up but not loud in the way your son was endearing_ and _it’s so full of the people I know nothing about and want things from me but the only one I want isn’t there._

“I bet it is. We’re all really proud of you, Harry.”

So let’s kill Harry a little bit more. “Thanks. I, uhm. I saw the girls yesterday. If I can still call them ‘the girls’, I actually can’t believe they grew up.” He’s not trying to avoid the topic of London or anything related to the reason of his departure, he’s just being polite.

Jay chuckles with a nod. “Yeah, try to be the one dealing with their existential crisis. Try dealing when more than one are having a melt down over nail polish or if liquid eyeliner goes with their clothes.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

This is weird, because Jay looks sick to the point Harry thought she was dead already but she doesn’t act like it, almost as if she’s ok and just lying on a crisp white bed because she’s tired.

“Why were you crying?” Such an innocent question with an answer that has too many meanings.

“I, I wasn’t crying.” Harry’s eyes drift to the tube poking the vein on Jay’s hand, just because he’s shit at lying and lying is hard enough already, he doesn’t need to look in the dark blue eyes to make himself feel more guilty.

“Are you seriously trying to lie to me Harry Styles?” Jay sounds more amused than anything, which is good, Harry is always glad his life entertains people.

He breathes out and plays with the colourful bracelet that’s too little for his wrist. Louis made it for him when he was 10; he hasn’t taken it off ever since.

“Darling you know I’m not trying to make you feel bad but you are horrible at lying. I know it’s hard for you coming back after all this time.” Her tone is so soft and warm and Harry doesn’t deserve this, he left her son and got one of her daughters upset just last morning.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I didn’t even call when mum told me how sick you were, I should’ve been here, I’m sorry.”

One hand of Jay, the one with the tube, grasps Harry’s hand with a tight grip that forces him to look up and see the tears pooling under her eyes. This whole thing is making him feel like the biggest prick on Earth. “I understand why you didn’t do it, I’m sure Louis would have done the same thing is he was in your place. And I’m sure that if Louis was hurting, it was a bit more difficult for you. Being alone in the big city must have been terrifying for you.”

Fucking hell, she’s not supposed to understand. She’s not supposed to assume Harry had a harder time than Louis after he left, she’s supposed to hate him for hurting her son and for leaving him and for daring to come back after 5 bloody years of not a single word or a text or a fucking call.

He can’t get words past his throat because he knows he might start crying again or he might yell at Jay and he just can’t do that. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. As soon as he finishes talking to Jay he’s going to get his things from Zayn and Liam’s place and go back to London. This was a big mistake and Louis made that clear already, Louis told him this even before he took the easy way out, hence on why he took the easy way out.

“Have you seen him?” She asks quietly.

He doesn’t have time to lie; the tears on his eyes give him away before he has the opportunity to turn the question around.

She sighs and her forehead shows how worry with lines that shouldn’t there. “You saw him on his way out didn’t you?”

The only thing he can do is nod.

“What did he say?” Jay requests with a frown and a strain on her tone of voice.

He’s not doing this. This was a mistake, this always been a mistake.

“Harry, tell me.” She demands gently.

It’s been 5 years and Harry can’t still get used to the feeling of being scared all of the time. The feeling is so foreign but part of him at the same time and he knows he shouldn’t be scared of Jay because she feels like a second mother to him, but Louis is her son and Harry broke him to pieces so telling Jay the truth won’t help at all. He doesn’t want to keep ruing Louis’ life anymore.

Jay exhales noisily and shakes her head when she realizes Harry won’t say a bad word about Louis and it kinda makes both of them sad. Her eyes wander to the banner in front of her and she closes her eyes for a minute, it drags on for Harry and for a second he’s thankful since it seems she fell asleep. But then she takes a breath and looks right back at him, her eyes and foggy and welled up.

It breaks Harry more.

“He’s not my son anymore Harry, he doesn’t _feel_ like my son anymore. He’s just this boy that took over my Louis’ body since you left and I don’t know when my son is coming back. I’d like it if he came back before I die.” Her voice is so fucking edgy and strange, the pain is so obvious on her tone and it hurts. Just the fact that she already assumed she’s going to die is making Harry’s head all blurry, along with his sight.

“Don’t- don’t say that Jay, you have to keep strong for the girls. They need you. I know Louis needs you too. Don’t give up yet.”

“ _You_ are the one that shouldn’t be giving up so easily, darling. I already lived what I had to live and I already fell in love more than once and I saw my children grew up, all of them, you and the boys are like my own too and I’ve seen all of you make your dreams come true. And I’ve even seen you and Louis break them too.” Jay reaches for his eyes to wipe the tears staining his cheeks. Her smile looks so tired, it makes Harry believe this is all a bad dream.

It makes him feel like he’s going to wake up in Louis’ arms in a minute and it makes him feel like everything is going to be alright. But this is real life, this is his life, the one he chose for himself and he not only changed his life but the lives of everyone else’s. All because he was a selfish coward that couldn’t handle a bit of trouble.

“I know I’m going to die, Harry. I’ve know it for a long time and I’m ready for it. I know Louis is going to take good care of the girls and I know the others are going to help him too. But I just can’t leave knowing that there’s just a shell left of my boy and that the only reason he’s still here is because of his sisters. I’m scared he’s going to do something stupid once they stop needing him, Harry. And you’re the only one that can help him, he needs you darling. And you need him just as much.”

Harry shakes his head and hates himself a bit more. “He doesn’t want me Jay; he stopped wanting me long before I was gone. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know you must have had a reason to leave and I know Louis can be difficult, even in the best of times but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened and why it left my son so broken.”

There it is. That’s what Jay wanted to know. That’s the reason he was brought back. “No, I’m sorry.”

He feels so horrible because he wishes he could at least give her an explanation, it’s the last thing he can do but he’s not going to talk about it. There’s just no way he’s strong enough to even talk about it apart from his mind. No one knows because it’s the last thing that Harry and Louis share, it’s the last thing that is _theirs_ and Harry would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” He tries to stand up but Jay clutches his wrist, he barely feels it but it’s there and it’s enough to bring a new wave of tears to his eyes.

“Harry, promise me you’re going to do everything in your power to make things better with Lou.”

“Jay-“

“Promise me Harry; promise me you’ll try to make things better with Lou.”

When he left Doncaster Harry was under the illusion that he was doing something Louis wanted him to do and Louis would somehow find a way to his doorstep and would take him home. And it’s stupid because 5 years passed and Louis didn’t show up at his doorstep in the middle of the pouring rain with an apology in his blue eyes. The illusion is broken but there’s unmoving tiny part of him, right behind his heart, that wants to believe he’s Louis’ and only Louis’. But that tiny part won’t let him do this, it won’t let him make more promises he can’t keep.

“I’m sorry.” He says again.

Jay frowns and tries to pull him back. “Harry, promise me. Please, please do it for Louis.”

She doesn’t understand that that’s the reason of why he’s doing this, the reason of why he left in the first place, for Louis. But that’s the problem too; everything he did was for Louis. He never knew anything or did anything that didn’t involve Louis or being in love with Louis.

Louis with his crude jokes or witty comebacks and the way he gave the impression of being a hurricane sometimes, devastating everything Harry ever knew on he’s way and making Harry swirl around until he was dizzy and confused enough to make him do whatever delighted Louis.

Louis with his soft voice in the darkness when it was only the two of them and fire ignited their entire bodies on flames whenever they touched. The way Louis appeared so innocent when he slept on Harry’s chest and he looked like he’d never be able to hurt and cut and brake anything, let alone Harry, almost as if he was an entire different Louis.

Louis with eyes that reminded Harry of an ocean that wanted to swallow him whole and take the life out of him. His eyes were the scariest thing Harry had ever seen and he still couldn’t tear his eyes away from him or get enough of the walls that pulled up around people but crumbled down with Harry. Harry was the only one Louis trusted to be himself and let him be in charge of keeping Louis’ seams sewed tight enough so he wouldn’t come apart so easily. It made Harry feel like he could do anything if Louis was by his side with feather light touches and secret giggles.

Louis was his own personal sun and he can’t relate that to the boy that yelled in his face, a boy so broken that Harry wasn’t sure if he can put him together with the remaining pieces.

That’s why he can’t promise Jay anything, this is his fault, he took to many pieces then ran away with them and left Louis alone to deal on his own when they both had no idea of how to live without each other.

Jay can’t recognize her son anymore because of him. He failed.

“Please tell me what happened.” She begs when she shouldn’t be doing it at all.

Harry can’t do this anymore, Jay is offering him a way to solve all of this and he won’t make the mistake of taking the easy way out anymore, he’s going to make this right. “Okay” He breathes out and braces himself to remember the past. “Okay, I’ll tell you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one step closer to the truth aha ;) oh wait chapter title from keep your head up by ben howard. somedayitscoming.tumblr.com


	8. You laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always, here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i promised smut and smut there is. heads up: it sucks. i'm so sorry i won't write smut ever again, i promise. that being said i highly recommend bones by ben howard with this chapter for full effect. i didn't proof read this enough so if there's any mistakes i'll try to change it sometime this weekend (i probably won't but...). basically this chapter is the reason why i started this fic along with some other scenes that will hopefully come so here it is. xxxx

It started with Louis whispering in his ear in the middle of the night before his graduation. “College is for people with money who have their lives figured out before they can decide it, babe.” He said it like it was a secret that only Harry was lucky enough to hear. So it was settled: They weren’t going to college. As long as they were together, they could be homeless and Harry would be happy.

Or maybe it started the summer Harry got his acceptance letter while Louis was in London auditioning for a play, just like the other thousands Louis auditioned for but got a call 2 weeks later telling him he was great, just not what we’re looking for. Sometimes he didn’t get a call at all. “I’m not going back to London.” Louis said behind a cup of tea and Harry hid the letter on the room where he developed his pictures.

Perhaps it started the when Harry was getting ready to catch a train that would pull him away from Louis forever. “I don’t fucking need you! Just leave already!”Louis yelled with tears in his eyes he couldn’t mask and Liam drove Harry to the train station the morning after.

***

It doesn’t seem real, leaving doesn’t feel real. It feels like a bad dream with the way the flat looks so dark and half empty with all of Harry’s stuff packed in 4 boxes by the door. It didn’t felt _right_ trying to figure out what shirts were his and which ones belonged to Louis, only to shove them all in a messenger bag along with his toothbrush. The rain beating the glass of the windows echoed with the thunders and lightings of the worst storm Harry had ever seen in Doncaster. The vibrations of the thunders made the walls tremble alongside with Harry’s bones because everything felt so fucking _empty._

Until now Harry realized how much he hates storms without Louis by his side, hiding his face on Harry’s neck and mouthing songs on his collarbones while pulling the covers over their heads. But what he hated the most right now was the fact that Louis is hiding out in their room and Harry is about to move to a different city and Louis still can’t accept he’s wrong, not even to say goodbye to Harry.

Not that Harry could do anything to change his mind; Louis had made that clear enough the past two weeks. But it wasn’t like Harry was going to give up that easily.

Somehow he ends up bracing himself and the strap of his bag on his shoulder. This was it. This was the last shot.

The roar of the thunder accompanied Harry, the noise coming off the sky was like if every step Harry took towards their bedroom was coming from his feet and the white light that shined through the windowpane reflected on his face.

He opens the door of their bedroom and finds Louis.  He looks like an angel, just like always.

“Louis…” He whispers, not sure if the boy sitting on the edge of their bed heard him but he doesn’t want to yell or fight anymore.

“Just go.” Louis mumbles back. His tone was void and cold, forcing a whimper out of Harry because he wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t ready for this. “Just leave already.”

“Don’t make me do it, Lou. Please, don’t make me do it.” He begs from the door frame while the rain hitting their roof filled the painful silence.

Louis lifts his face to look at him for the first time in the past two weeks and Harry feels like if someone punched his heart directly and turned his ribcage into dust without mercy when he sees the tears pooling around Louis’ eyes. He drops his bag and walks slowly to Louis, afraid of moving too fast and making their fragile bubble shatter. He falls to his knees in front of Louis and envelopes his quivering body to kiss the tears that starts to mingle with his own in no time.

Harry pushes Louis against the mattress as he climbs on top of him and forces their eyes together. “Lou, listen to me. I love you, okay? Nothing is going to change that. You get it? Nothing will change that.” He murmurs with a broken and croaky voice.

Louis clings to Harry with all of his limbs and pushes him closer to his body as he ghosts his lips on Harry’s cheek. “Yeah.” He sobs and nods.

Harry nods and swallows down his own sob, trying to keep himself collected for the two of them. Louis was finally putting his walls down and Harry was going to make the best of it, this was his last chance and he wasn’t going to waste it. He couldn’t afford to waste it. “Say the words Louis, tell me to stay.”

He shakes his head and presses his forehead to Harry’s, his eyes shining with pain and his fingers felt bruising on Harry’s skin. “Just kiss me” He cried. “Kiss me.”

“No, Lou- Please, Louis. Don’t make me go.”

“Kiss me.”

If there was something Harry never learned was to say no to Louis, and the fire burning his blood on every place Louis traced with his body was asking for more, _begging_ for more. His skin felt raw against Louis’ clothes, the feeling wasn’t helping the fuzziness of his brain.

“Harry.” Louis speaks softly on his ear because he knows how to work Harry up and get what he wants to make Harry’s resolution fall down like the pouring rain outside.

Harry connects their lips, feeling sparks ignite their bodies and the grip of their hands leave nail marks wherever their skin was available to stain.

Suddenly the crashing of the thunders gets drowned by the thumping of Harry’s heart that’s trying to beat on his throat and he can’t hear past Louis’ exhales because he feels underwater, he always feels like drowning when Louis kisses him. There isn’t enough air in the room anymore, not with the way Louis’ nail get caught on the flesh beneath Harry’s shirt like if he wanted to tear Harry open. Louis’ tongue parts his lips and pulls out the tiny ounce of strength Harry had left with just simple soft licks over his bottom lip.

The problem is that it’s never been like this, Louis has never been like this. Harry is not used to Louis giving in to him this easily and fearing the boy is going to get lost on their sheets if he presses too hard but somehow it still feels like Louis is in control. Harry gives and Louis takes more than what Harry has to give or offer, it’s the way it works and it never bothered Harry.  But this time it’s different but not quite.

The white light that bathes the room every few seconds lets him see how vulnerable Louis feels under his fingertips and under his lips when he tries to pull away because there _isn’t_ enough air but Louis won’t let him back off.

“Don’t stop kissing me.” He says under Harry’s jawbone and that’s not what he means. Harry hears the silent request with every hitch of Louis’ breath when Harry drags his fingers slowly against his covered belly.

“Say it.” Harry places the words on the corner of Louis’ mouth, maybe that way he can coax the words out. If Louis is allowed to take more than he’s allowed then so can he.

Louis shakes his head again but pushes Harry’s shirt up to his armpits and he’d usually have Harry pinned to the mattress by now but he just grazes the skin and it makes Harry wonder if Louis is afraid he’s going to disappear. “No.” He breathes on his ear.

Harry groans when Louis bites his earlobe. “Lou, let’s just-. Louis.”

But he won’t listen, why would he? Instead he locks his eyes on Harry’s. “In the morning, we can talk about it in the morning. Let me have this, Harry. Please.”

He doesn’t know how to handle this. So he does what he does best: He gives in. And that’s why he sits back on his knees between Louis’ legs, to pull his shirt over his head and give into Louis.

For a moment, while the light brightens Louis’ face for two full seconds Harry swears he sees a smile, the one he loves. But it could be his heart playing games with his mind or his mind playing games with his heart, he’s not sure because as soon as the room goes dark again he sees nothing and he’s left to just let himself feel.

Louis surges up and falls back to the mattress with Harry on top of him, joining lips like gears made to work together and shoves their hearts as one. His fingers feel urgent on Harry’s skin before they tug the button of his trousers.

Harry moves them away. “Stop.”

Louis whines with a frown on his mouth and apparently he tries to pull back but he keeps pecking Harry’s lips. “Haz…”

“Just, just not too fast Louis, okay? Let _me_ have this.”

Louis sighs on his throat but doesn’t do anything else to acknowledge him other than nipping his neck lightly.

“Louis…”

He looks at him with determination and pulls his shirt off too. “Fine.” He says between teeth.

Harry’s not sure if he should say thank you or keep quiet now and let the sound of the rain seal their spaces, he doesn’t know anything and it’s driving him crazy. “What do you want?” He finally asks only because he’s nothing if he’s not pleasing Louis.

Louis looks at him with his walls crumbled down and the air around them is nothing but love, only because of one look and Harry can’t help to think that this is the way it’s supposed to be, this is the way Louis is supposed to look. “Just you.” He hums as he takes hold of Harry’s hair to dive him down and kiss him softly, he knows Harry and he knows what he needs too.

Their kiss drags on like that. It goes slow and loving and calm like if they have all the time in the world to remember each other’s body and like if the fear of what’s going to happen the next morning isn’t luring under their bed like a monster.

Harry doesn’t even feel their clothes come off because he’s too hypnotized with the tender touches and the unhurried yank of Louis’ nails. Harry can feel him everywhere; he can feel his teeth scrapping his shoulder and marks on the dip of his back and feather like breath on the bow of his top lip. He can feel the heels of Louis’ feet embedded on his tail bone, the head of Louis’ dick pooling wetness on his belly button, growing heavy between their stomachs and the sluggish rhythmic grinding they do to try and get friction. But Harry is too content to move, he’s happy with Louis’ arm hanging from his neck and the slow-paced kissing, only because it feels like years passed without doing this, without enjoying each other and the connection they’ve had since they were kids. They don’t have to think about this because they’ve done it a thousand times and each time is better than the last one. With this they can just let go and be themselves and forget there’s a world out there trying to tear them apart. They don’t have to question anything about their future because when Louis starts arching his back off the mattress everything blurs in Harry’s vision and their bodies get covered in sweat from trying to hold back and make it last.

It’s like the room went up in flames but neither of them are doing anything to try and calm the fire down, it’s better if they burn together and turn into ashes of who they used to be.

He could go on like this forever but he’s reminded of why they’re naked and rutting against each other when Louis does this little moan as Harry moves his hand around Louis’ body and starts teasing a nipple. It reminds him of his own dick poking Louis’ thigh and how easy it is to fall back into each other but not knowing where they’re going to land. It’s the best feeling ever.

Harry crawls down Louis’ body and tries to cover it with his own; his hands leave half red moons on the tanned skin and his lips soothes the sting until he gets to Louis’ hips. His eyes look up to Louis and catch the exhale that leaves his lungs, his chest raising and falling heavily from expectation when Harry licks everywhere but his cock. Instead he focuses on staining Louis’ skin with a bruise to remind him that this happened, even though it’s going to fade in a couple of days.

Louis whines after Harry sucks where his leg meets his hip and then blows over the wet skin and Harry smirks and hums to himself, knowing that he can still do this. He can still rip moans and heaves from Louis even when he doesn’t want to. Harry’s hands fold Louis’ legs so that his feet are planted on the bed and Harry settles between the v it forms. Louis’ dick is now curving on his stomach, full and hard because it’s been a while since they gave each other away completely. He doesn’t have to say it but Harry knows Louis missed this as much as he did.

Harry leans down on Louis’ cock and breathes but doesn’t touch, he just looks up again through his eyelashes and asks silently just with his eyes, words are pointless by now.

“Just- fuck. Don’t tease, alright?” Louis chokes out and his voice is already getting rough and needy.

“Alright.” He answers and lets the head graze his lips and cheeks, making a mess on his skin, just to be a little shit and hear Louis squirm. He feels Louis’ hands settling on his hair and his fingers burying on his scalp, not pushing him or anything, just _there,_ with him _._

Louis sighs contently when Harry finally licks the crown of his dick and grabs the base with his fist and with his free hand he draws circles on his kneecap. It’s good, Harry missed this and of course he did. He missed feeling the weight of Louis in his mouth and the way his hips faltered sometimes when Harry took him all the way and licked the underside as he pulled away all the way back, he missed the way Louis’ eyes on him felt on him, burning him from inside out and making him feel so loved with just the disbelief filling the blue orbs. He likes doing this, a little bit to much if you ask Louis, but he likes how he can put Louis on edge with just his lips and tongue and a couple of licks. Not many people can say that.

When Harry pulls away to take hold of some air his hand does the job, dragging the skin down with every upstroke and his thumb teased the top on his way down, his strokes meeting in time with the throaty moans spilling out of Louis and Harry wonders if Louis even knew he was making them.

Louis’ hands grips the sheets to give him leverage so his could thrust up into Harry’s loose fist and his back arches, allowing Harry to loop his arm under the curve and kiss Louis again, feeling the moans on his lips and swallowing them down.

“Want me to ride you?” He asks with a husky voice from the cock that was on his throat and Louis whimpers.

“No- you, I want you.” He manages to say as Harry speeds up the pace of his hand. When his hand does a particularly hard twist Louis digs his head on the pillow and the sound of his moan gets silenced by the clashing of the thunders. “Yeah, you.” He breathes out.

 That makes Harry frown and stop the tugs from his hand. “Are you sure? I mean- it’s been a while and—“

Louis smiles, he really smiles and it’s almost as if the storm stopped and the sun raised high on the sky only because Louis smiled, a real smile, with the crinkles by his eyes and all and it’s not like Harry was going to say no to Louis but now he has no idea of how to tear his eyes away from Louis or hold back the sob of relief that’s bubbling up his throat.

Louis nods with determination and licks his lips a bit. “I’m sure.”

Harry kisses him and tries to pour all the things Louis won’t let him say the _I love you and I need you and I’m sorry and come with me and don’t give up on us_. He tries to say it with his hands and moans and sighs and he hopes Louis listens, he hopes it’s enough to change his mind and figure something out in the morning, anything really, as long as he gets to keep Louis.

Louis is squirming underneath him, all wounded up and hard below Harry’s touch and everything is a haze now, and somehow one of them gets the lube and Harry finds himself looking at a panting Louis with rosy cheeks and bitten lips and his hair if all over the place and his holding himself, not tugging, just holding himself and Harry knows he must feel bare and open because that’s how he feels when Louis is getting ready to prep him.

And he’s so _open,_ not in a sensual way despite how his legs are spread apart and Harry is doing everything in his power to hold back, but in a way that Harry can see the little invisible string that connects them and he can almost hear Louis thoughts inside his head and feel what he’s feeling through his eyes. There are no masks now and he can see the worry and fear and the uncertainty.

“Just my fingers?” He asks quietly as he opens the tap of the bottle of lube and squirts a bit on a finger.

“To begin, yes.” Louis rasps out. He locks his eyes on Harry and the look is enough to let him know that he should be quiet now.

Harry spreads Louis legs a bit more and swallows the lump of fire on his throat, his mind and heart going a thousand miles an hour and really, there’s not a prettier ass than Louis’. Not that Harry wants to see of feel another one; he’s pretty content with this one. He can hear how Louis sucks in air when Harry circles his rim; it has been a while and not just the past two weeks but longer for Louis because it’s usually him doing this to Harry. Still, Harry teases the rim slowly and kisses his thighs and bum before pushing his finger inside. It’s a tight stretch and Harry can see the discomfort when Louis scrunches up his nose.

“It’s alright, love.” He whispers on Louis’ kneecap and pushes further, feeling Louis’ body trying to adjust and accommodate him, his muscles tensing but Louis still mewls quietly when Harry starts grazing the soft walls around him and it’s the hottest thing Harry has ever seen, it always is.

He does tiny thrusts that end in circles but doesn’t pull out his finger completely; just letting himself enjoy the way Louis is trying to fuck himself on one simple finger.

After a moment Louis gets frustrated and starts asking for more with soft grunts that make Harry smile as he pours more lube around Louis’ hole and the fingers he’s planning on using. It takes a while to get Louis ready, he still hisses but doesn’t say anything when Harry tries to push the second one and scissor the two of them but Harry figures it’s not that bad when Louis’ breathe halters when he speeds up his movements.

“Tell me if it’s too much.” Harry says after a minute and Louis just nods. “Think you can take another one?”

Louis groans and nods again, opening his eyes just to see if Harry is serious. “Fucking hell, yeah.”

Louis ends up with three fingers inside of him, curving and grazing his prostate and Harry ends up with a cock on his mouth again. It’s fucking amazing.

It’s a little hard to balance himself but it’s worth it when Harry looks up to see Louis falling apart entirely and it makes pride grow on Harry’s belly and travel down his own dick. Louis is tensing again but a good kind of tensing and Harry knows what it means. He hums around the dick on his mouth just to hear Louis’ moans pick up before pulling off and fucking Louis’ with his fingers. The way his ass seems to suck in his fingers after he backs away it’s making Harry dizzy with want and he starts touching himself for the first time just to relieve some of the tension that won’t let him think clearly.

He dims Louis ready when he starts saying Harry’s same under his breath but doesn’t notice.

Louis actually cries out when Harry slips his fingers off. He’s panting now, trying to catch air but that doesn’t stop him from complaining. “No, Harry. Please, I want- Harry, I.”

Harry licks his lips and freezes when he realizes Louis is trying to move his ass towards Harry again, and it’s driving him crazy. Harry shushes him with a kiss when he gets all up in his space and Louis gasps into it, clutching at Harry and trying to grind on his boyfriend’s body. “Lemme- shit- lemme get the lube, Lou.”

Harry struggles but finally coats his dick a bit more than enough because he knows it’s still going to hurt for Louis. He lines himself up and brushes Louis’ hole just to see him moan.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

Harry moves inside of Louis slowly, forcing himself to calm down and try to see if Louis shows the slightest bit of hesitation, but it never happens. Instead, Louis’ mouth does a small ‘o’ but no sound comes off and before Harry knows it, Louis has his legs around his shoulders and Harry bottoms out.

It’s overwhelming, seeing Louis fight between staying motionless or rock back on Harry’s dick. Everything feels so fucking hot and things start to go blurry with just how tight Louis is, how Louis is doing little sounds at the back of his throat and how he looks so desperate for anything that Harry wants to give. If Harry could, he’d give him the world.

He waits for Louis to tell him to move and when he does, Harry just goes for it. He’s chest to chest with Louis and his lost blue eyes looking directly at him and his mouth leaving little uhs every time Harry thrusts with force. He shifts a little to find the right angle and Louis claws at his back when he finds it, hitting his prostate while he drags out slowly and pushes in hard repeatedly, forcing sounds out of Louis that Harry would like to hear for the rest of his life.

Harry rests the palms of his hands on either side of Louis’ head and joins their foreheads, trying to get praises for Louis past his groans but he only manages to kiss Louis’ sweaty fringe.

Everything starts to build up really quickly and Louis has been on the edge for too long so he knows this won’t last for much longer, he can feel himself teetering around it too but he has priorities so he shifts again to rest on one forearm and get Louis off with his free hand.

Louis arches his back so much that he ends up pressing his lips against Harry and moans there when he comes on Harry’s hand in white long ribbons, making a mess on their skin.

Harry tries to hold back so he can ease Louis out of his high but when Louis comes, everything in his body contracts under Harry and his bum feels even tighter around Harry’s dick and for a moment he thinks he’s going to pass out as he falls boneless on Louis’ chest and Louis’ legs fall back on the mattress with a thump, forcing Harry to pull out with a hiss.

“Love you.” He whispers to Louis’ skin but he’s not sure of Louis hearing him since apparently the rain picked up while it took them a couple of minutes to get air back in their lungs.

Louis’ fingers ghost on his spine and Louis looks down at him, a genuine small grin waiting for him. “I love you too, so fucking much.”

The words wash over Harry heavenly and somehow it feels so much better than his orgasm a few minutes ago. It settles something on Harry’s chest enough to pull a yawn out of his lips and move off Louis.

“Falling asleep on me so soon, Curly?” Louis teases with tiredness on his voice.

Harry smiles sleepily and closes his eyes when Louis fits himself around Harry, chest to back and Harry’s too content so he lets Louis be the big spoon and get away with his comment. “Have to clean.” He murmurs without too much intention to clean other than wipe his hand on the sheets.

He can feel Louis smiling on the back of neck and nuzzling his curls with his nose. “In the morning, sleep now.”

“You’ll be here, yeah?” Harry peers over his shoulder with half closed eyes to see Louis.

Louis just kisses his shoulder and runs his hand up and down Harry’s upper body. “’m always here.”

***

Louis wasn’t there in the morning.

The morning sun coming through the window was too harsh for Harry’s sensible eyes when he wakes up. He tries to blink the light and confusion away when he tries to cuddle back on Louis chest but there’s only space and cold sheets to meet him. Last thing he remembers was the worst storm he had even seen and now the sun was high and shining like it never happened. He lies still on the bed covered by a thin sheet trying to pick up any noise coming from any part of the flat and he frowns when the only thing he can hear is the birds that Louis hates so much chirping outside.

It hits him, _hard,_ when everything floods back in his brain like a river and he can feel tears falling down his eyes. His mind is chanting _nononononono_ and he can’t think of anything past his heart beating hard on his throat as he sits up and closes his eyes shut, willing the quietness to go away and Louis to jump on bed and shower him in kisses and offer him tea. If Louis was here the shower would be running or there would be puttering coming from the kitchen along with curses but there’s nothing.

When he opens his eyes again and looks around the room he sees his bag sitting on the floor and the clothes he was wearing last night scattered around it, but no signs of Louis’. Harry swallows down a sob that’s trying to burst through his torso and feels so fucking cold even thought the room is bathed in a warm yellow light. He sees a piece of paper resting on top on his bag and scrambles out of bed quickly, praying to anyone that’s willing to hear for the note to say something about Louis running to the store and coming back with milk in five minutes and a string of x’s by his initial.

Except the note doesn’t say that.

_I’m sorry, I won’t let you ruin it Haz. Go to London and be brilliant. Don’t come back._

_L._

One fucking line. Three fucking sentences. That was it. It took 18 fucking words for Harry to cry on the floor naked and half hour to get dressed and walk out of the door. It took one phone call for Liam to show up at the doorstep of the building and look at Harry with millions of questions in his eyes but he knew Harry wasn’t going to answer any of them.

***

He called Liam with a teary voice and asked him to take him to the train station because he didn’t have enough money for a cab and Louis never taught him how to drive. He refused to call anyone else to say he was leaving, he was running away and he didn’t need a goodbye party or his mum bidding him off with tears and a tissue. Liam sighed into the speaker and asked if he was sure. Harry said yes and got out of the flat as fast as he could without looking over his shoulder.

Liam placed his boxes on the trunk and Harry’s bag on the back seat and drove silently. When Liam dropped him off he held him close for what felt like hours and Harry slipped a small piece of paper with his address into Liam’s pocket and left with a promise that he’d be fine and call as soon as he got in London.

Of course he didn’t do that. He locked himself on his bare flat, let his phone die and drank until he passed out with cheap wine from the drug store across the street. And then he moved on and that was it. That was all. HE got over it and so did every one.

Most of the times when he got drunk he dreamed about finding Louis wandering the too big streets of London at 3 am and that they will somehow fall back to where they left, that they could glue together their missing parts and move on like Louis never left Harry alone in bed, like if he never happened.

Harry dreamed about finding his Louis. His Louis full of mirth and hopes and goals and a future, _their_ future shining and pouring out of his eyes like sunshine, bringing warmth back into Harry’s life.

He was dreaming. Dreams are lies, stupid useless lies that no matter how much you dream them, it will never come true and he learned that the hard way.

***

“So he left you?” Jay asks crying and Harry is already starting to beat himself up.

“No, Jay. I-I knew where he was and I didn’t go and get him. Instead I left. I left him alone.”

Jay shakes her hand and takes his hand in both of her to give him a sad smile. “Don’t blame yourself Harry. He left even before you packed your bags.”

“I didn’t try hard enough. And it’s not his fault either, I should’ve told him before.” Harry whispers.

“Everyone has a limit, darling. You reached yours.” She sighs tiredly and now Harry can see how scared she must be, how Harry is in a parade compared to Jay’s situation. “You still love him don’t you?”

Harry can feel what’s left of his walls crumbling down and it’s not a nice feeling. He hasn’t felt this bare since the day he left and it took him a lot of time to built his walls so it’s not fair of Jay to break them so easily with just one question. But he can’t lie and they both know the answer.

“Of course I still love him.” He mumbles despite himself and the feeling of drowning that’s trying to kill him.

“Then you’re going to try to make it better, Harry. Promise me you won’t let him runaway again.”

“He doesn’t-“

“No, I don’t wanna hear any of it. He might not be even half of my son anymore but I can still see how much he loves you. Just as much as you do. Please, Harry.”

He knows how this is going to end and it’s going to leave him with more scars than the ones he has now but he can’t give up. He never wanted to. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> never said it would be the whole truth ;). somedayitscoming.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> i told you it was shit but the first chapter should be good and i have no idea when i'm posting that but thank you for reading anyways xx


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